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Highest ever delivery figures achieved by Amazon Crime


A brand in an industry notorious for failing on the one thing it is supposed to do, has finally achieved more than one star on Drunkpilot.


'When it comes to delivering goods to clients in prison, we can't be beaten,' confirmed Sam Pell, head of incarcerated customer satisfaction at Amazon Crime. 'We have a 100% success rate in not deliberately leaving packages with a neighbour.'


Industry watchdog, Amazon Crimewatch UK, are critical, however. 'Firstly, their target market have a tendency to be in. Secondly, they're criminals with a horrendous track record in tax evasion who have no right to run a delivery service.'


Four prisoners freed in error survive as soldiers of fortune



The BBC has been told at least four prisoners, released in error, are still at large. They are believed to be a crack commando unit, that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men were promptly released under government guidelines from a maximum security stockade . They are still wanted today, surviving as soldiers of fortune.



The four members of the gang are; John 'Hannibal' Smith, Templeton Peck (aka 'Faceman'), 'Howling Mad' Murdock and 'B.A.' Baracus. They are known to drive around in a customised 1983 GMC Vandura van, recognisable by its black and gray two-tone paint job, red stripe, red turbine-style wheels, and rooftop spoiler.



The public are being warned not to leave any welding gear unattended, and to keep all old yellow school busses safely locked away. If you have a problem, If no one else can help, even if you can find them, David Lammy is warning people not to approach them. Especially with your phone camera, he doesn't need any more bad publicity


Image: WixAI

“We are not a cult” says Tesla Shareholder and True Believer

“Stop saying that, why would you even think that? Being too scared that our glorious leader will leave us so we have to promise him $1,000,000,000,000 is perfectly normal and not weird at all. He is the only one who can rescue us and our money, he will save us and protect us from the woke mind virus and an insanely overpriced company collapsing if he leaves. This is all perfectly un-weird, he will take us to Mars, no comets involved as of yet, but I am willing to die on that comet if there is one. Does this sound like a cult to you? No, you’re weird.”


The disciple paused to check the Tesla share price and then continued.


“Promising ten million dollars an hour to keep him is not weird. That is an ok thing to do and totally rational. I did my own research, and all my fellow mission-driven associates say it is not weird at all. He has targets, we’re not crazy. One of them is for Tesla to produce 1 million robots a year by 2030. Nothing can go wrong with that. Our Supreme God King said that Asimov is a nerd, and his laws of robotics are lame and Lord Elon's own laws about allowing robots to injure humans whilst making a fart noise are well sick.”


He muttered something about “so called experts”, did a quick double “Roman salute" and left, staring at his share tracker.




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