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Bath-time Trump ensures world peace by starting nuclear stand-off with Russia

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'Failed ex-president Medvedev is saying that all my demands to Russia to make peace with Ukraine are moving Russia and the US closer to war,' said President Donald Trump, speaking to reporters from a gold-plated bath in the White House.


'To pull the world back from the brink of Armageddon, I have activated a two-pronged plan which is guaranteed to calm everything down. Firstly, I have insulted Medvedev by calling him a failed president. That's guaranteed to put him in a friendlier mood.


'Secondly, to punish him for daring to say America and Russia are edging closer to war, I am sending two nuclear submarines to within missile range of Moscow,' Trump continued, illustrating his point to reporters with a clockwork hunter-killer submarine bath toy.


'Action stations!' he cried, plunging the sub into the briny depths of his bathtub and making siren noises. 'Dive! Dive! Dive!'


'People are saying this is the peace plan Jesus or Gandhi would have come up with,' said Trump, firing off a plastic pretend Tomahawk missile into the lavatory. 'That's if they'd wanted to look really tough to a bunch of ignorant, violent redneck supporters, like I do.'


70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

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The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean you must be over 18 to watch it, but you can, some might say, still be under 18 to experience it on an island with Prince Andrew.


An unforeseen consequence is that Spotify and YouTube will be censored, but Mrs Brown's Boys will not. You will have to submit all your personal details to access harmful content, a bit like electing Starmer in the first place.


Of course, teenagers will circumvent the system by using a VPN. While Boomers will confuse it with Visible Panty Line. The dark web is set to expand, which is great news if you are an illegal drugs start up.


So no children will be safer as a result, but we will have better access to a Russian blackmailer of your choice.


image from pixabay


Legislation proposed to protect MPs from online porn

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It’s the scourge of our age. Innocent, naïve MPs falling prey to internet pornographers.


‘As soon as they know a person was born before 1990 the crooks are laughing’, said Jacob, 9, part of a taskforce set up to protect adults from online dangers. ‘MPs are particularly vun- vunny- . . .’


‘Vulnerable?’ I suggest.


‘Thanks. Yeah, vunnable. They’re even worse than my mum and dad, and they’re hopeless. At least most grown-ups go to work, do a bit of training, have some common sense. MPs – they live like princesses in a story. Like they just get given money for food, a nice flat in London – they don’t have to work or go to school. Sounds nice. Anyway, they need protecting. Like pandas’.


Former MP Neil Parish would have benefitted from some protection. He lost his seat after an innocent search for tractors led him to an entirely different kind of ploughing. The proposed legislation will require porn sites to verify IQ and check a database of current MPs before allowing access to the good stuff. It’s too late for Neil Parish but might save future Tory MPs having to take the wank walk of shame.


image from pixabay


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