Trump tops me for contempt of court, admits McEnroe

'I admit that I outraged the world with my Superbrat behaviour on court, throwing racquets in a temper and calling umpires "the pits",' John McEnroe told White House reporters.

'But look at what Trump's just done. He's deported 261 Venezuelan gang members to El Salvador, blatantly ignoring a court order to turn the plane around and bring them back.

'Man, that's some impressive contempt of court by the President," continued the three-time Wimbledon champion.

'And then he said a single judge in a single city couldn't stop him from getting his way.

'I wish I'd had that much contempt for court orders. Then, I could have gone from tournament to tournament, awarding myself point after point and winning all my matches without throwing a single little hissy fit.'

'McEnroe's a loser,' said a White House spokesman. 'President Trump has won many more Opens than him - and if any news organisation points out that he's lying about that, he'll shut them down for telling fake news, like he did with Voice Of America.'

Photo by Moises Alex on Unsplash

Vance rails at lack of banjo playing in Europe

Following his recent speech at the Munich Security Conference, when Vice President JD Vance heavily criticised Europe for stifling free speech, it's come to light that at a much less reported event he also railed at Europe's lack of banjo playing.

Addressing a meeting of the Euro Cowpoke Brethren, he slammed political leaders for silencing banjo playing in Europe, saying, 'What I want to say to our European allies is, I am deeply concerned about European governments and their attack on freedom of banjo playing.'

He went on, 'When I was growing up in my hometown, we would listen to it for hours before going out to hunt tourists. In Europe, government crackdowns on banjo playing, with an insistence on Johann Sebastian Bach instead, is like a Soviet-era mind-virus. Furthermore, deliberate mass immigration into Europe means the banjo is under threat from all kinds of ethnic drumming and chanting, like rap music. Point is, there is a new President in the Whitehouse now and he loves the banjo bigly.'

Labour to impose a supertax on bingo

Government sources have confirmed that the government is running out of ways to scar the poor, penalise the old and disenfranchise the disabled.  Despite all their best efforts they have raped, pillaged and censored the weak and the worthy alike.  Their last, best hope is to raise the taxes on bingo halls, targeting the lower paid and most easily distracted elements in society.

'It is well known that the lower paid, the under-educated and those who seek inexpensive light relief from caring duties like to spend time in bingo halls.  They are our target victims - er - audience, so we will make their miserable lives more miserable.  It's the least we can do, and the least is definitely what we want to do,' said a government spokesman today.

Photo by Bruno Guerrero on Unsplash