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All the time we’re on PBS

But the right wing has turned up the heat

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How we’ll get to Sesame Street?

Now we’re broke

An orange muppet thinks we’re too woke

So, on Netflix now is where we’ll meet

We will tell you how to get

How to get to Sesame Street.

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Image: Pixabay/Alexas_Fotos

Police ‘vigilant’ over premature clout casting

Following warnings for UK citizens to observe the clout-casting laws or face severe penalties, I interviewed a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police.

‘Why now?’ I asked.

‘It’s the Bank Holiday. Brings ‘em out’, he told me. ‘We might not necessarily agree with the law but it’s our solemn duty to enforce it’.

‘And what, exactly, does casting a clout mean?’

‘If you know, you know’, he said, tapping his nose conspiratorially.

‘Erm, that’s the problem. If I don’t know what it is, might I do it accidentally?’

‘Look up Regina vs . . . oh, can’t remember the name. It was in the 1960s. Ignorance of the law is no defence’.

‘Am I casting a clout now?’ I asked him.

‘No’.

‘If you tell me I can pass it on to NewsBiscuit readers and they won’t get in trouble’.

‘NewsBiscuit? You barstards, you hate the Met. All because of a few murders and rapes. And a bit of corruption. I hope some of your readers cast a clout before May 31st so we can bang ‘em up!’

So you’ve been warned. Well, sort of. Don’t do anything which might be interpreted as casting a clout before the end of May. And if you do, try not to do it in London. Wales should be fine, anything goes there.

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this story could we gossip about you in the office? It’s really quiet today.

Image: Pixabay/ photorama

Migrants to sue Daily Mail over ‘misleading’ claims

Ahmed (26) came to Britain on a small boat, tempted by promises of “luxury accommodation, mobile phones and money raining from the sky”. ‘We’re all avid readers of the Daily Mail’, he told reporters. ‘Peter Hitchens and Sarah Vine are my favourite writers. Such humanity. The headline which prompted me to risk my life was “Starmer to tuck all migrants up in bed”. I didn’t have a great relationship with my father and the idea of a country where the Prime Minister travels around tucking up migrants just seemed like paradise. I also fancied living in a place with more than three male forenames – it’s really confusing in a Muslim country. I’m not even the only Ahmed in my sibling group’.

Lawyers for the migrants point out that most would not have attempted the hazardous crossing without the strong incentives provided by the Mail. Their arguments have been countered by the Mail’s lawyers, who noted that the newspaper’s mission is ‘to paint a dystopian picture of modern Britain in the hope that we can one day return to mid-June 1951, when everything was perfect’.

'You can see how the confusion occurred', a lawyer told us. 'Fortunately, there's no law against lying'.

The case is scheduled to start as soon as enough taxpayers’ money has been handed to lefty lawyers.

Image: Pixabay/kalhh