Cheating to be acceptable before Open returns to Turnberry

Organisers of the British Open have announced that the golf tournament could take place at Turnberry again only if cheating at golf ceases to be one of the most heinous crimes ever devised.  The Royal and Ancient explained that golf prides itself on its long history of self-policing etiquette and absolute respect for the rules, and those that break them are as socially unacceptable as women were in golf clubs until Gordon Brown interfered.

The statement by the Royal and Ancient follows a recent round played at Turnberry by US President Donald Trump during which the level of sportsmanship expected of all competitors while on the course owned by his family was explicitly demonstrated.  The British Open has not been held at Turnberry since Trump bought the course in 2014, despite him declaring it the best course anywhere in the world for caddies to carry lots of spare balls to drop on the fairways and greens in case his gets lost.  'The players all want to be at Turnberry,' Trump told reporters before his round which he completed without any penalty strokes at all, despite losing 24 balls.  It is understood that there were absolutely no instances at all of Trump kicking his ball into better positions during the round, so none of his playing partners needed to refer to him as 'Pele' this time.

Some members of the media considered Trump apparently cheating at golf was just the latest attempt to distract everyone from the Epstein files.  However, many golfers around the world regarded it as far worse than anything he may have been involved in with his alleged paedophile former best buddy, who he has never met.

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UK Palestine recognition explained

The United Kingdom is aiming to recognise a two state solution for Israel and Palestine unless Israel recognises a two state solution for Israel and Palestine, in which case the offer is off the table.

'Of course we'd love to support a two state solution, but if Israel want to do it we'll sit back and probably tut,' said a UK spokesperson today.  He added that if the US recognised a two state solution then the UK 'probably will, too, but not if Russia does, unless Russia and the US agree to both recognise a two state solution. In that case we might.  Or might not,' the spokesman said.

'Is that clear enough?' he asked.

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Deadpool over Ghislaine Maxwell’s suicide

It was revealed today that members of the American government have been running a deadpool about when Ghislaine Maxwell will commit suicide.

“I mean, why wouldn’t she?” said Tommy Douche of the State Department. ”Someone used to such a luxurious, glamorous lifestyle facing decades on Riker’s Island, and being a total pariah if she ever gets out? It’s a no-brainer.”

“My money was on the first three weeks,” said Dave Grunt of Homeland Security. “I don’t know why they… I mean, she’s taking so long.”

Asked what he meant by that slip, Grunt paused before eventually saying “Well, you know how with a black hole there’s a line called the event horizon, and if you go beyond that you don’t have a chance? That’s basically where she is now.”

It’s thought the pool is open to all branches of the government, except of course the FBI since they’ll be the ones arranging the suicide.

“God knows why, though,” complained Grunt, “after the mess they made of Epstein. Ligature marks at the wrong angle? Three minutes missing from the security camera footage? It’s amateur hour. You’d think they’ve never done this before.”

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