Lucy Bronze sets the standard for how much pain women can tolerate

England defender Lucy Bronze has dismissed other women as wimps by playing 90 minutes of football with her leg hanging off; and says she could easily have had triplets and coped with 2 failed relationships during the match as well.

Andrew Tate told Newsbiscuit, that Lucy was an excellent example of how far too many women make out they are weaker than they really are; and wished he’d been able to help her prove her point, by giving her two black eyes before she had her post-match photo took.

It isn’t known yet how Lucy Bronze intends to spend her time in the aftermath of the match, but a friend told Newsbiscuit, she expects she’ll unwind with a few pints of absinthe while she listening to Ed Sheeran.

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New Thames Water mascot leaves a bad smell in the boardroom

News emerged today that beleaguered Thames Water recently briefed a leading ad agency to come up with a customer friendly mascot, in an attempt  to try and win favour with its less-than-happy captive subscriber base. 

But sadly, Tommy The Turd, a cuddly, brown, sausage-shaped character with the catchphrase: "I'd give that ten minutes if I were you," failed to win favour when the agency presented its proposed campaign to bosses.

Company bigwigs were said to be furious with one exec, who asked not to be named, commenting brusquely. 'Look, I know this company is the very embodiment of tin-eared arrogance towards its customers, but even we could never have hoped to get away with such a thing.

'The money we've wasted on this, over five hundred grand by the way, might as well have been flushed round the S-bend. I mean, it could've been divided it up between the board members as a little bit of extra bounce. Tommy The Turd has to be a shittiest idea I have ever seen. I knew we should've just hired that stupid, effing, pink, spotty wanker, Blobby.' 

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MasterChef to Replace Hosts with Stand-Ins

The BBC has announced the series of MasterChef filmed prior to the production company investigations into the conduct of hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode will now be shown with extensive editing, including the replacement of both with stand-ins.

"It's been a logistical challenge," said Nono Dodat, Head of Compliance. "We've brought in people who've worked on productions where the major difference was the stars had actually died rather than just being dead to everyone. They advised us to keep the long shots, then use a mixture of body-doubles and CGI on the close-ups to ensure no-one has to palpably wince as the two of them nibble at yet another potato fondant with a truffle foam."

The Corporation has also addressed the issue of voices through looking to its past, as Dodat explained, "The original idea was continued narration by our usual cast. However, she's on holiday at the moment, so we decided to take a leaf out of the old News reports and simply get an available actor to overdub both John and Gregg, like they had to do with Gerry Adams in the 90s. It works really well and an Ulster accent really suits John."

Prior to the broadcast, the replacement for Gregg has not been named, but documents released by the BBC show the purchase of a bag of googly eyes and two-dozen eggs.

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