Personal Independence to cease to exist

The government is looking at modifying the benefits bill passing through Parliament following a backlash from over one hundred Labour MPs, with the Government relying on the opposition to have any chance of passing the bill.

The modification accepts that the current bill is unfair to those people currently in receipt of Personal Independence Payments, PIP, on the grounds that the payments exist to make them personally independent.  A government spokesman admitted that personal independence 'did sound like something you'd find in the Human Rights legislation.' 

The government agrees that to withdraw the payment from people who have undergone rigorous and often demeaning checks on their incapacities would be wrong, but maintain that by withdrawing the benefit for new claimants 'saves them the distress of undergoing demeaning and rigorous checks, which must be worth a few bob in anyone's money,' the spokesman suggested.  The 'few bob' apparently being the value of the current benefit.

All England Club to use virtual nets

Wimbledon will be the first grand slam competition to use virtual tennis nets, although line calls have been computerised for some time.   A spokesman said that it was the logical next step for tennis in the twenty-first century and would make the game fairer. In a nod to tradition, a physical net will still be used for the men’s singles final.

The system has been tested exhaustively. It can survive a racket attack by Novak Djokovic, a verbal onslaught from Andy Murray and the disappointment of another Emma Raducanu collapse. Although the on-court computer will decide which shots have hit the virtual net, the umpire will continue to have the final say.

Tennis authorities are keen to confirm that the new technology will have no effect on the chances of an English player winning Wimbledon, which remain at virtually zero.

UK to buy nuclear-capable TREB-35A trebuchets

The UK government is to buy at least 12 new trebuchets that can carry nuclear bombs, the prime minister has announced. Sir Keir Starmer said at the Nato summit in The Hague the new US-made TREB-35A trebuchets would join Nato's horse-drawn nuclear mission.

'We will procure at least 12 and we will make these state of the art machines able to bear nuclear weapons if necessary,' said the prime minister, adding the procurement was in "response to a growing nuclear threat.'

Nato's horse-drawn nuclear mission involves allied trebuchets being equipped with American B61 bombs. Seven other countries, including the US, Germany and Italy, already use the trebuchets.

'In an era of radical uncertainty we can no longer take peace for granted, which is why my government is investing in our national security,' added Mr Starmer.

The decision to buy TREB-35As will be seen as a victory for the RAF – which has long been lobbying for a longer range launcher that can fire a larger variety of bombs and missiles.

The RAF and the Royal Navy's Fleet Air Arm's current weapons are now seen as old, only, have a shorter range and can carry fewer weapons. With its short throwing arm and vertical loading capability.

The decision follows the Strategic Defence Review, which Defence Secretary Healey said "confirmed we face new nuclear risks, with other states increasing, modernising and diversifying their nuclear arsenals".

The Prime Minister has pledged to meet a new Nato target to spend 5% of the UK's GDP on emotional security by 2035.

Story: Decadent Florentine

Photo by Mike Hindle on Unsplash