The Ghislaine Maxwell revelations in full - world exclusive!

What, you want to read them again?

Oh OK, then, here goes.

Still not satisfied?

Well she did refer to the Fifth rather a lot.  Probably asked for a glass of water and a pardon.  Which, given the amount of dirt she didn't spread, is probably in the post.  The pardon that is, not the water.  She almost certainly didn't drink the water anyway once she'd thought about it given Epstein managed to hang himself with paper towels while the CCTV was off.

For those with short memories, here's the revelations one last time.

image from pixabay

Epstein ‘alive and well’ at Hotel California

Some believe Jeffrey Epstein to be dead. A handful of people even think he took his own life.

But what if he’s alive, spirited away to safety by the CIA? Weird News specialist Ray Sullivan blew the lid several years ago on Hotel California, a secret island retreat for ‘deceased’ rock stars. Could Epstein be there?

NewsBiscuit went undercover to reveal the truth, but we couldn’t find it. Turns out secret islands aren’t easy to locate and the CIA won’t answer even a really polite email. It’s Area 51 all over again, we wasted months on that.

Do you know where Epstein is hiding? Have you seen someone who looks like him? Or do you, perhaps, run a training agency for undercover reporters? Better still – do you know where we could hire somebody competent? If so, we’d like to hear from you.

image from grok

Wave of gratitude for Reform

British citizens have today expressed their overwhelming gratitude to the Reform Party.

‘Reform aren’t all bad,’ said Colin Popp, a resident of Clacton.  ‘There’s lots of criticism of Reform and Farage, but we should all give credit where it’s due. We all need to give a massive thank you to Reform for finally shutting up those gobby right-wing Tories.

‘Since Robert Jenrick joined Reform, we haven’t heard a peep from him.  What a relief!  No stupid stunts chasing tube fare dodgers.  No more embarrassing videos from migrant camps in France.  No more WhatsApp cock-ups.  Genius.

‘Same with Suella Braverman.  We had to put up with the big stupid event when she joined Reform.  But since then, a brilliant, perfect silence.  No more tirades about the wokerati.  No more nonsense about sending migrants to Rwanda.  No more diatribes about the failure of multiculturalism.  Listen hard.  Can you hear anything?  No you can’t.  Perfect.

‘You have to admire party discipline in Reform.  The price of your future career is you complete and utter loyalty – and your complete and utter silence.  Well done, Nigel.  We owe you one. 

'There are a few more MPs that we would dearly like to silence – can we send you a list?'

image from grok

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