Reform UK demand vampire ban to ensure British Halloween

Nigel Farage today called for the banning of all vampire and Dracula based imagery and costumes due to the characters Romanian roots.

'We have perfectly fine Great British ghosts, ghouls and witches,' he told journalists, 'why should we be celebrating a foreign character with a history of easily evading customs as a bat as well as creating significant numbers of further vampires demanding British blood.'

Mr Farage also went on to forge links with the Romanian Traveler community and vampiric tradition stating that there may even be encampments of vampires on "our beautiful British village greens" by November 1st.

'There's nothing wrong with a white sheet with eye holes, and I say white without fear of reprimand,' he went on, 'or a good old fashion witch primed and ready for dunking in a local river. Great days.'

We have approached Reform's Head Office for guidance on Zombies, Demons, Mummies and Axe Murderers. Guidance was issued that 'sexy' costumes would remain under close scrutiny.

Photo by Loren Cutler on Unsplash

Fat, balding Englishmen to maintain their confident stance on, well, everything

Overweight and under-educated Englishmen have confirmed their intention to continue providing unsolicited wisdom to a world which barely deserves them.

‘Stands to reason, dunnit?’ said one obese cretin whilst painting a Cross of St George on a mini roundabout. ‘British Empire - greatest empire the world has ever seen. Hovercraft, penicillin, jet engines – the modern world wouldn’t exist without Ingerland’.

The EU has expressed ‘deep gratitude’ for the continued dispensation of sage advice from the morbidly obese. ‘We know we don’t deserve you’, sobbed Ursula von der Leyen. ‘We have our own wise men, naturally, but nobody can say it quite like a seventeen stone plumber’s mate with an arsecrack the size of Belgium. Deep down, we all know you’re right and we’re just a bit . . . foreign’.

As well as being demonstrably unforeign, the English patriots can erect flags at heights of up to eight feet, paint red crosses on a white background and display their own flag upside down – skills which would bamboozle Johnny Foreigner. They also have an intuitive grasp of the subtle nuances of football, including ‘why the current England manager is shit’, ‘why your team is shit’ and ‘why everything foreign is shit. Fancy a curry?’

Final word goes to Barry, halfway through his third mini-roundabout this week. ‘It isn’t racist, it’s just a flag, innit. Orford Lane? Nah, place is full of darkies, they’d kill us if we tried to put our flags up there’.

'Cats are over-represented in British adverts' claims Daily Mail

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British adverts contain too many cats,' claims the Daily Mail today.  'Despite cats only living in fewer than 30% of British households, they appear in over 90% of adverts.  While we would expect them to appear in cat food adverts, they appear in practically every advert selling everything from furniture to carpets to sanitary products.  About the only product cats don't seem to appear in is adverts for household insurance.  Dogs seem to have the upper paw there,' the article ranted.

'Even dog food adverts have bloody cats in,' screamed Conservative MP Robert Jenrick, pointing to his recent stay in Birmingham where the Midlands ITV channel on his Premier Inn hotel TV apparently showed adverts that only included cats.  The claim is disputed, Birmingham residents claim cats are a minority on their adverts, albeit a sizeable one.

'Cats are always shown as nice, fluffy and benign,' continued the article, 'never hissing, and crapping in your garden.  Everyone I know has cat crap in their garden,' it says.  The Daily Mail is starting a new campaign 'stop the cats'.

A Reform spokesman said the campaign doesn't go far enough.  'Cats aren't indigenous to the UK. When Reform are elected our first priority will be to deport all the cats, immediately,' he said.  Labour condemned the Daily Mail campaign and branded the Reform policy 'typical dog whistle politics'.