Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

Aries

You are a committed, passionate and obsessive person. You naturally, therefore, spend a lot of your time following your passions, day and night, every day of the week.

Let’s face it, if that's the best defence you can muster, then you're looking at a custodial sentence.

Taurus

The smell is dog mess. The person who stepped in it was you. The trail you left is awful. It's time to leave the cathedral tour.

Gemini

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. A place on an industry regulatory committee is surely in your grasp.

Cancer

This month, everything will be upbeat and positive for you - but make the most of it : you'll have an absolute shocker of a run into the New Year. Really, really grim. Sorry.

Leo

In your dreams, you are Donald Trump - powerful, iconoclastic, rich and confident. In real life you are Donald Trump - weird hair, bruised hand, incoherent and strangely orange.

Virgo

The arrival of an unexpected bundle of joy will immeasurably change your life. Mostly used £20's and £50's, ask no questions, keep your trap shut, understand ?

Libra

If music be the food of love, you'll be on a strict diet of John Cage's 4' 33" this month

Scorpio

You might be feeling a little but shaky today. Don't worry, crystal meth is a bit jangly on the come down. You'll get used to it. Also, do the lottery this weekend!

Sagittarius

Paradise will call you suddenly. For god's sake, don't answer. It's Colin and he wants you to be his plus one at Sting concert with backstage passes. BEWARE.

Capricorn

Avoid pelicans, the Bosporus and orange food, but not oranges. A man named Keith will being you good news but leave a stain on the hall carpet. The issue with the carp will be resolved, but it will not be what you expected. Lycra products will be your undoing. Literally.

Some months, the Eternals can just be so bloody infuriating and obtuse.

Aquarius

You are ready to stand up and shine. Maybe you'll get that car wash job despite that terrible interview.

Pisces

I was shaken when I skryed your chart. I have asked a friend to check my orbs. Excuse the shaky writing. I’ll have to get back to you on this one.

Authors:

deskpilot : Aries, Leo, Aquarius

simonjjames : Taurus, Sagittarius, Scorpio

FlashArry : Gemini, Cancer Virgo, Capricorn

Lockjaw: Libra, Pisces

www.newsbiscuit.com

200 years anniversary of first UK train complaint

Saturday 27th September 2025 represents the 200th anniversary of the opening of the first public steam railway - and the first complaints about the railway - between Stockton & Darlington.

The first train ran 15 minutes late and generated a tsunami of complaints from travellers demanding refunds, some of which are still outstanding. Additional complaints were made about soot entering the carriages and settling on the stale bread used to make sandwiches.

Problems continued on day 2, with Stephenson forced to offer a replacement horse and carriage service. Complaints continued to dog the service, even after British Rail took over its running after the Second World War. The long standing issues were only resolved when British Rail closed the line in 1967.

Author: bobski (H/T deskpilot)

Image: JerzyGórecki - Pixabay

Judas apologises for Good Friday 'confusion'

In a rare public statement, former disciple Judas Iscariot has apologised for the 'confusion' caused by his actions leading up to Good Friday in AD 30.

A recent surprise returner to Elon Musk’s unfiltered platform X, Judas posted as follows:

'I was increasingly unhappy with the direction the disciples of Jesus were taking. I originally signed up for a radical programme of reform, but Jesus — having initially overturned the tables of the money-lenders in the temple, and argued with seemingly everyone about matters of doctrine — turned increasingly to talking of loving and forgiving one’s enemies.'

The blacklisted disciple admitted his actions had faced some 'fraught days in the last week of Easter' and 'I haven't covered myself in glory.'

'The problem was I was also suddenly skint. I mean: who wouldn’t take thirty pieces of silver having decided to ostracise themselves from their party? But I didn’t read the small print and things just ran away with themselves. And no I won’t be commenting on events that followed because it’s a distraction from the main point I’m making.'

'But, yes, I’m happy to confirm I’m taking donations again for my new party.'

Writer: sketchedbyboz

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive