Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Doctors have warned pregnant women not to listen to Donald Trump, as doing so could harm their unborn child.

'Stress and depression during pregnancy can negatively impact on the foetus' said Dr Jane Jones of the New England College of Actual Medicine As Opposed To Speculative Bullshit, 'and there is no surer route to stress and depression than hearing Trump speak and realising this is one of the most powerful people in the world.'

Medical authorities later amended the advice to add that Trump should not be listened to by non-pregnant women, or by men, or indeed anyone ever. They also recommended 'relocating out of the USA to somewhere far away where you'll never hear about him, I don't know, somewhere remote like Greenland.'

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Epstein estate try to distance themselves form Sarah Ferguson

The Duchess of York has learned that the estate of Jeffrey Epstein has distanced themselves from her and announced that they had been mere acquaintances that occasionally crossed paths at parties. This has been announced in the wake of an email emerging in which Ferguson called the deceased sex offender her 'supreme friend'.

'I don't really know where she's getting 'supreme friend' from, ' said Ferguson's spokesperson, 'Mr Epstein had met her a number of times but viewed that as a huge error of judgement. The estate and the memory of Jeffery Epstein would be forever tarnished if any other description of the relationship was accepted'.

Image: ValiGreceanu - Pixabay

British couple freed after months in Taliban prison: 'We were totally spying!'

A British couple who were imprisoned by the Taliban in Afghanistan for nearly eight months have been released but admit, with a small amount of giggling, 'We were totally spying'.

Peter Reynolds, 80, and his wife Barbie, 76, have lived in the country for nearly two decades but had decided to come home in February. They were stopped and imprisoned whilst on their way to the airport on vague charges such as 'educating women'.

'I remember saying to Barbie at the time', said Peter laughing to himself, 'I hope this isn't about the shit ton of spying we've been doing!'

Barbie smiled warmly, 'Oh yes! I remember that! I had only been doing a bit of spying the day before and I think you had just come back from a whole weekend of spying!'

The couple were freed and are flying to Qatar for medical checks before travelling on to the UK, it is unclear whether they will continue their work as amateur spies.

Image: WixAI