New Thames Water mascot leaves a bad smell in the boardroom

News emerged today that beleaguered Thames Water recently briefed a leading ad agency to come up with a customer friendly mascot, in an attempt  to try and win favour with its less-than-happy captive subscriber base. 

But sadly, Tommy The Turd, a cuddly, brown, sausage-shaped character with the catchphrase: "I'd give that ten minutes if I were you," failed to win favour when the agency presented its proposed campaign to bosses.

Company bigwigs were said to be furious with one exec, who asked not to be named, commenting brusquely. 'Look, I know this company is the very embodiment of tin-eared arrogance towards its customers, but even we could never have hoped to get away with such a thing.

'The money we've wasted on this, over five hundred grand by the way, might as well have been flushed round the S-bend. I mean, it could've been divided it up between the board members as a little bit of extra bounce. Tommy The Turd has to be a shittiest idea I have ever seen. I knew we should've just hired that stupid, effing, pink, spotty wanker, Blobby.' 

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MasterChef to Replace Hosts with Stand-Ins

The BBC has announced the series of MasterChef filmed prior to the production company investigations into the conduct of hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode will now be shown with extensive editing, including the replacement of both with stand-ins.

"It's been a logistical challenge," said Nono Dodat, Head of Compliance. "We've brought in people who've worked on productions where the major difference was the stars had actually died rather than just being dead to everyone. They advised us to keep the long shots, then use a mixture of body-doubles and CGI on the close-ups to ensure no-one has to palpably wince as the two of them nibble at yet another potato fondant with a truffle foam."

The Corporation has also addressed the issue of voices through looking to its past, as Dodat explained, "The original idea was continued narration by our usual cast. However, she's on holiday at the moment, so we decided to take a leaf out of the old News reports and simply get an available actor to overdub both John and Gregg, like they had to do with Gerry Adams in the 90s. It works really well and an Ulster accent really suits John."

Prior to the broadcast, the replacement for Gregg has not been named, but documents released by the BBC show the purchase of a bag of googly eyes and two-dozen eggs.

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Misogynists nurse their fragile egos as England Women win Euros again

In an event that has sent shockwaves through pub corners and online comment sections across the nation, England’s women have once again lifted the UEFA Women’s Euro trophy, leaving a trail of confused and fragile male egos in their victorious wake.

“Football’s only coming home when we win it,” muttered 47-year-old expert-in-nothing Gary Thompson, while refreshing his timeline, hoping to see anything that might discredit the Lionesses’ historic victory. “It’s not proper football, is it? Where’s the slide tackles? Where’s the pub brawls? Where’s the VAR controversy so I can argue with strangers online?”

Sources confirm that a coalition of part-time YouTube pundits and full-time misogynists immediately convened to develop their latest coping strategy: redefining the word 'football' in real-time.

“Winning the Euros doesn’t count unless you’re diving, swearing at the ref, and clutching your hamstring every five minutes,” said Dave from Manchester, who once scored a tap-in during a five-a-side game in 1998 and has considered himself a tactical mastermind ever since.

Meanwhile, social media has been flooded with desperate attempts to downplay the achievement. Comments such as 'the goals aren't as good' and 'the men would beat them' poured in, as if that somehow negates the victory parade currently being planned through London.

One particularly distraught Twitter user even launched a petition demanding UEFA 'cancel the result because it’s biologically unfair,' citing zero scientific sources but a lot of feelings.

Psychologists have observed a sharp rise in cases of 'Selective Sports Interest Syndrome' — a condition where men suddenly become experts on women’s football solely to dismiss it. “It’s fascinating,” said Dr. Elaine Ward. “They've never watched a women’s match, but the moment women succeed, they develop encyclopaedic knowledge of why it ‘doesn’t count.’”

Meanwhile, the Lionesses responded to the outcry with a deafening silence, too busy admiring their second consecutive European trophy.

As England basks in a historic win, Gary and his fellow keyboard patriots have found solace in their final fallback argument: “At least we still have the darts.”

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