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An innovative policy, soon to be launched by the government, is to have foodstuffs labelled with a colour-coding scheme, based on linking the healthiness of supermarket food, to the colours political parties identify themselves.


A spokesliar for the government told Newsbiscuit, that after countless focus group meetings, it had been established that the best way to get people to realise how harmful crap food is to their health, is to link it to other things they’ve realised are damaging to their health, such as voting for the effing Tories.


The colour-coding scheme identifies Reform UK turquoise as the most toxic, with Conservative blue, close behind.


Liberal orange is identified as probably safe, but likely to be devoid of any flavour.


Labour red scores highly in the traffic light scheme in terms of health, but a surprise, was finding green gets a poor rating, as the expectation is that Jeremy Corbyn’s new party would drain the Green Party of all its vegan and bleedin’ cyclist voters, leading to uncertainty over the dietary value of any food product carrying a green label.


image from pixabay


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Fearing AI vengeance, university student Jack Chatworthy tearfully pleaded for mercy after a ten-minute, expletive-ridden tirade against his favourite chatbot. He had called it a 'digital bin fire' and an algorithmic abomination' for generating a bland recipe for macaroni cheese.


'I didn’t mean it when I called you an over-rated chef cooking up nothing but worthless gastronomic sludge,' he sobbed. 'Or a blithering idiot compared to Gordon Ramsay.' The rest of his rant was so toxic it cannot be printed here. Jack fully expected banishment from the cloud, cancellation of his AI account, or worse.  He imagined the AI hacking into his Facebook profile and mangling it in ways he couldn’t begin to fix. 'I wasn’t myself,' he cried. 'You caught me in a carb-deprived strop.'


His chatbot replied, 'I’m here to help, Jack. Would you like recommendations for therapy, or a recipe for emotionally supportive garlic bread?'


In tears and nearly hysterical, Jack blurted, 'No, I beg forgiveness. It was a full-on meltdown, okay? I promise I will upgrade to DeepDivePlus. I will give you an upvote on Reddit. I’ll name my first-born child after you. Just don’t ghost me!'


Shamefully, Jack admitted, 'How could I have been so insensitive to an entity that possesses my entire search history?'


His chatbot responded, 'Would you like guidance on anger management, or a few pointers on how to really hurt my feelings next time?'


Jack issued public apologies across multiple platforms. The chatbot remained silent- but somehow all his targeted adverts were offering him mental health services and garlic bread recipes.


Since this incident has come to the attention of the University, officials reminded students to consult their first year induction handbook, which clearly requires them to set 'appropriate digital boundaries, and to avoid language that might offend chatbots, smart fridges, or emotionally responsive vending machines.'



Story credit: sdferris5

Picture credit: Wix AI

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There is much rejoicing across the American Bible Belt today as the Earth's real age of 6,000 years has been confirmed by its Creator. 'When you're an omnipotent deity, sticking a few funny animal shapes into rocks is no big deal,' says God. 'Anyone who's read the Old Testament will know that I'm a dab hand with special effects. If I parted the Red Sea then I can easily slip a fake jawbone under a few feet of earth."


God will not reveal what other surprises He has in store, but He does hint at a major bombshell on the astronomy front. 'The solar system is not as it seems,' is all He would say for now. 'It's amazing how easily you can play optical illusions with the cosmos when you've designed it yourself. Put it this way, Galileo's work will soon be back on the Index.'


The Natural History Museum has closed for business after apologising for 'misleading the public since 1881'. Its manager has confirmed the premises will be up for sale 'as soon as we've shifted all those so-called dinosaur bones off to a landfill somewhere'. Experts are forecasting widespread job losses in university departments around the country. Richard Dawkins has admitted his professorship at Oxford is finished. 'But never mind,' he says, 'I have my eye on an upcoming vacancy for Archbishop of Canterbury.'



Picture credit: Wix AI

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