top of page
Search

Daily Mail due a reboot

'

Our technicians have noticed a problem with the algorithm over the last few days,' said a Daily Mail spokesman, 'with not only a lack of fawning articles about Nigel Farage but actual scrutiny showing he is a comptempible excuse for a person,' he added.


'We'll be turning it off and on again,' he said, crossing his fingers that they hadn't laid off or deported the person who knew how to restart the bile engine.


'If all else fails we'll just republish headlines from the past. Actually, that's what we normally do,' he said, holding up a headline supporting Mosley but with Farage's name scribbled over.



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


Government introduces strict social media curfew teenagers can ignore immediately

The government has announced a tough new overnight social media curfew for 16 and 17-year-olds, which will remain in force unless they decide they don't fancy it.


Under the plans, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube will be unavailable by default between midnight and 6am, unless teenagers alter their settings, click “opt out”, press “continue”, swipe left, swipe right, turn their phone off and on again, or simply ask someone younger to show them how.


Technology Secretary Liz Kendall said the measure represented a decisive intervention.


“For too long, young people have been exposed to addictive online content late at night,” she said. “That is why we are introducing a firm legal presumption that they should stop, subject only to their personal preference.”


Ministers believe the curfew will improve sleep, concentration and family life by creating a brief administrative obstacle between teenagers and six more hours of scrolling.


A government spokesman explained that the system had been carefully designed to withstand the ingenuity of older teenagers.


“When the clock strikes midnight, the apps will display a clear message saying, ‘Social media is currently unavailable. Would you like to make it available?’”


The teenager will then face the formidable challenge of selecting “yes”.


Officials hope this will provide a valuable moment of reflection before the user resumes watching seventeen consecutive videos of a man pressure-washing a patio.


Addictive features such as auto-play and infinite scroll will also be switched off by default, meaning users will have to reactivate them manually before surrendering the next three hours of their lives.


Online safety minister Kanishka Narayan said the proposals would make Britain the most robust country in the world for regulating technology companies.


“Other countries have spoken about restrictions,” he said.


“We are the first to make those restrictions entirely optional.”


Teenagers broadly welcomed the announcement.


Seventeen-year-old Tyler said: “It is good that the government trusts us to make adult decisions about university, employment, sex, driving and military service, while also reminding us that we may become trapped inside TikTok unless protected by a settings menu.”


Parents have also been reassured by the measures.


“I was worried my daughter was spending too much time online,” said one mother. “But now the government has introduced a switch she can turn off, I feel the problem is basically solved.”


Critics described the proposals as the digital equivalent of banning alcohol for teenagers unless they remove the lid.


Ministers rejected the comparison.


“With alcohol, the lid is often quite difficult to get off,” said one source.



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


Ryanair announces new perks


'Fresh air is a rare commodity and we're proud to be the first airline to offer this,' said a Ryanair spokesman, 'and at only £7 it's a steal,' he added.


'We accept there are less dramatic ways of achieving this and are actively retrofitting hinges and release mechanisms under the control of cabin staff. This does not include sticking your head out to get a better view, obviously. That's £5 extra', he said.


image from Google Gemini


Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


bottom of page