Horoscopes for March, by Fiery Horse

Aries

You seem to be unaffected by the fallout from the Epstein papers, which leaves you as one of the few uncorrupted individuals east of the Azores. Opportunities may abound, but take care not to get enmeshed in the activities of the next morally reprehensible douchebag waiting in the wings.

Too late …

Taurus

Your astrological chart shows that a time of tremendous change is approaching. This is something to be embraced, not feared. However, if you aren't comfortable with tremendous change, then maybe it's time to figure out Google Pay, and go cashless.

Gemini

Your journey of one thousand miles must begin with a single step. That'll teach you to fly with RyanAir

Cancer

Don't answer the phone for the next 3 times, it will be a man promising you untold riches. He will be lying as it's Clive from work who actually just wants to go for a drink and tell you about his fungal infection.

Leo

You reject the advice of a qualified medical professional, but hang on every word of an online shamanic wanker with a loincloth fetish. Is it any wonder that embarrassing rash never clears up ?

Virgo

Although I'm flattered that you read my prognostications, they shouldn't form the basis of your government's policies, Keir. It’s just a bit of fun.

Libra

Work issues are looming large this month. If you are worried that AI will take your job, then you can relax. It's much more likely that a cheap apprentice will take your job.

Scorpio

As the full moon approaches, you realise your personal problems may not have been as serious as you thought - yeah, you and the other 650 million Scorpions in the world. God, what a way to make a living…

Sagittarius

A free and frank exchange of views should not end with threats to 'chair' the other party.

It is worth considering this during your next performance review.

Capricorn

Your car will cause problems this month and will have a serious oil leak. On the plus side, the oil stain will be in the shape of a rabbit, just like in Small Prophets, and you will get your picture in the local paper. On the minus side, a bounty hunter will recognise your picture, and you will be forced to leave the country for a year or two.

Aquarius

You've never felt that your horoscopes have ever been any good at all, even the vague waffly ones that simultaneously hint at both good and bad news happening soon, quite soon or in the distant future.

Maybe that's because your parents lied about your date of birth? Now why would they do that?? Something for you to think about…

Pisces

A word to the wise: peppercorns. I shall say no more.

Authors

Deskpilot: Taurus, Libra, Aquarius, Capricorn

Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

Lockjaw: Gemini, Virgo, Pisces

SimonJJames: Cancer

Sydalg: Scorpio

Image: Lockjaw

www.newsbiscuit.com

Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Scientists trying to uncover the secret of where bears choose to excrete have been transferred to a new project of uncovering the truth behind claims that Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is 'rude, arrogant and entitled.'

Professor Ron Jenkins of the University of Clacton explained the problem. 'It's such a difficult thing to clarify assuming, of course, that you ignore everyone who's met him and everything he does. But, with a few years' work, and appropriate funding, I think we'll get there. Then we can finally find out who's been putting all that bear shit in the woods and if the Pope only celebrates Easter because of the chocolate eggs.'

'Did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?'

Professor Ron Jenkins was recently found dead in circumstances which are definitely not suspicious.

Go about your business.

Image: WixAI

Jeffery and Andrew are typical names for a Muslim Grooming Gang

Leaked emails reveal the true extent of an international grooming gang, all of whom spent years worshipping Islam - primarily the Judeo-Christian bits. The arrest of Prince Andrew Albert Christian Edward Mountbatten-Windsor, the most Muslim sounding of all the Royals, proves just how Muslimey the whole thing is.

Andrew, when he wasn’t grooming grooms, would pray five time a day to Mummy or the CIA-to kill off his victims. He would fast during Ramadan, abstaining from chalet girls Dawn to Sunset-which also happen to be their stripper names. And he maintained fastidious cleanliness when it came to his internet search history.

When asked to comment on the arrest of Prince Andrew, the Muslim community said “Allahu Akbar”-which probably means they think he’s innocent, we don’t know, we couldn’t be bothered to use Google translate.

Image: Christopher Osten (@crease1) | Unsplash Photo Community