Great works of literature nipped in the bud

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, should join a monastery.

'You're right, Romeo, our dads hate each other, let's not go there'.

Oedipus: 'I always insist on a DNA test before the first date'.

'There he is - hey Godot, you're early'.

Second rate opium, I'm afraid, Coleridge, and you have an appointment with some bores from Porlock some time today.

In the beginning was the word, and the word was 'F*ck - its too dark here to write'.

'It was the best of ties, it was the worst of ties'.

'Call me Trishmale'.

'It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a Ford Capri with a slab of concrete in the boot'.

'BERNARDO: Who's there?

FRANCISCO: Delivery for Babs.'

'Lolita, light of my life, federal agent pretending to be 12'.

'Josef K, the European Court of Human Rights has given you the all clear'.

'Sure, Oliver, have some more, you little sh!t, and may you croak of type 2 diabetes before you're 30'.

'In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of little worms and an oozy smell. Which was unfortunate, because such smells repel the invasive giant sand worms from the planet Arrakis, and hobbits are very tasty'.

'Mr. Christian, you are out of order'. 'Sorry Captain, it will not happen again'.

'It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen, but then they fixed them'.

'When shall we three meet again? King's Head next Tuesday?'

'Last night I dreamt of underlay again'.

'The Martians have landed near Woking - quick - hide the Lemsip!'

Contributions from and hat tips to: Granger, Dogular, SteveB, FlashArry, & StewartBarclay,

"I was groomed by Prince Charles", claims Yucca plant

The plant ,which requested it be referred to as Y, made this statement in a darkened room.

"The Prince started talking to me from when I was a sapling. He keep saying things like 'you're going to grow up big and strong for me'. Then he started putting stuff in my drinking water; I think it was Baby Bio. I think it made me bloom too quickly. Then he kept complimenting me on my foliage. Then he started running his hands through me leaves and 'cleaning' them.

"A fly that has been buzzing round the house tells me other plants have been getting the same treatment. It's time people stopped 'cultivating' plants in their homes for their own gratification".

No-one from Clarence House has issued a statement because we didn't contact them.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/hmdg-8676495/

Rebekah Vardy lands job producing tabloid epigrams

Rebekah Vardy has secured a lucrative job as a social commentator, as a result of her ongoing court case with Colleen Rooney, it has emerged.

Vardy will be employed by the tabloid press to provide her own tweet-length summaries of major news items, with a stipulation of at least one level 2 obscenity in each message, a source revealed.

‘She’s a natural’, said Mike McBride, Professor of Lexicology at the University of Lunn. ‘Her tweets and messages have a Shakespearean rhythm to them, combining the wit of Mark Twain with the sense of pathos of Moliere’.

‘That c**t needs to get over him/herself’ has that universality, invoking feelings of anger along with a sense of that underlying truth that we are all searching for’, continued McBride. ‘It can be applied to Boris Johnson, Vladimir Putin or Simon Cowell in equal measure. A kind of Everyman epigram for our age.’

Producing her first copy today, Vardy responded to the news that the UK economy had contracted by 0.1% last month: ‘UK plc growth rate is like a miniature chipolata. Last time I saw this much shrinkage was when Peter Andre’s Speedos came off after he jumped into a freezing North Sea’.