King Charles “really not that interested in soldiers marching about”

Following today’s Trooping of the Colour ceremony, Buckingham Palace has issued a statement saying King Charles really isn’t that interested in watching soldiers marching about.

”I know mummy used to enjoy it, though God knows the ancient Greek always looked as bored as f*ck.

”Anyway, I’m King now and what I say goes. So please don’t expect me to sit through this bollocks again next year, all this stupid marching about for no reason. I mean, they don’t even look like real soldiers in those silly red uniforms and furry hats. No wonder we lost India. 

“And don’t get me started on the bloody Red Arrows. So you can fly close to each other belching out coloured smoke, whoopee doo-dah. Do you know how many bloody times I’ve seen that? Either learn a new trick or let me enjoy my birthday in my own way.

”And that’s another thing - it’s not even my birthday, it’s my official birthday, which is a load of bollocks, frankly. My actual birthday is on… well, I don’t recall, but one of my staff will know.”

Soon after the press release was sent out, the King’s Press Secretary returned from a short holiday, saying “Well, the ceremony looked splendid on TV as always. Anything much happen while I was away?”

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Canada-UK Partnership Ensures Continued Supply of Apologies

As a Precursor to the G7 Summit taking place in Canada this week, the Prime Ministers of the UK and Canada met in Ottowa and struck a historic accord that ensures closer collaboration on the sharing of apologies between the two nations.

"Our profound friendship and similarities are what unite us," said Stanley Cupp, Canadian Minister for Trade. "Canadians have always been distinguishable from Americans in two ways: the fact we'll put maple syrup on literally anything, and that if someone bumps into us we'll apologise rather than try to assert our second amendment rights. By sharing the manufacture of regrets with the UK and removing duties, we're confident that both countries will continue to be able to say sorry whether the mistake is on our part or not."

Both Mark Carney and Sir Keir Starmer are said to be arriving at the event in Alberta laden with freshly-minted atonements and contritions to share with the other delegates. They're confident there's more than enough for everyone due to the likely disparity between the amount they believe Donald Trump needs, and the amount he'll actually take.

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Man who looks older than his age did have tough paper round

A criminal whose unflattering photo appeared on Facebook alongside a news story about his latest drug-dealing offence has confirmed that yes, he did actually have a really tough paper round when he was a teenager.

Michael Doyle, 40 was given a 3 year jail term for supplying class A drugs, according to the local news story, with the general consensus in the Facebook comments being that he should do the time for his crime, but also that he had clearly been prematurely aged by the severity of a casual job he must have had delivering newspapers as a child.

‘Listen, yes, it’s true, I did have a particularly brutal paper round in 1998-1999 in the Squires Gate area of Blackpool when I was about 13 - thanks to all those who have commented and recognised this and who obviously empathise with my plight’.

‘I only delivered papers at the weekend - those broadsheet papers had about 10 different sections. Remember the Culture section in the Sunday Times in the 1990s? It weighed about a kilo on its own. Imagine lugging 20 of those around the Squires Gate area up past the pleasure beach - it was a a bloody backbreaker.’

‘Even just lifting a copy of the News of the World was a feat of strength. Those were the phone tapping and Fake Sheikh days and they took up about 30 pages every Sunday along with the usual mildly xenophobic stories’.

‘I was diagnosed with rheumatism at 30 and have had carpal tunnel problems and posture problems since my 20s. I must look about 65 in that police mug shot where I’m staring vacantly into the distance, as hundreds of people have kindly pointed out. Certainly wouldn’t use that one on my Insta profile. lol’

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