Woman ridden with guilt over looking for new laptops on her current laptop

Chloe Plant, 28, from Shrewsbury has been wracked with guilt after deciding that she needs a new laptop. "My current laptop is getting a little slow, and the poor thing struggles a bit sometimes. But it's my life. My everything, really. I do all of my work on it, so it's my source of income, and there are few things I do outside of work where I don't use it. It's rarely off my lap when I'm on the sofa, and during the winter months it even keeps my foofoo warm."

"Six years it's been in my life, and we've done everything together. I suppose... yes... I love it. I am in love with it. But I know we can't be together forever, and when it came to looking for a new one, I just couldn't bring myself to, well, you know, use old trusty, faithful Lappy to search for his replacement. I had to borrow my housemate's. No problem using her disgusting pink one - no one could feel anything for a showpony like that. But if I'd used Lappy, I would have felt so disloyal. So treacherous. So dirty. Oh, I can't even think about it - please give me a moment..."

"...I feel like he would have known. It would have broken his heart. Lappy won't leave my life, though. I'm not going to trade him in or throw him away or anything. He'll have a special place in my red plastic crate of electronic stuff under my bed.

Local man feels brief interest in girlfriend’s relationship discussion

A 35-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London last night claimed to have experienced a brief moment of vague interest during a heart to heart talk with his girlfriend, who wished to discuss where their relationship was going.

Toby Dell, a motor vehicle technician from Berner Street told The East London Gazette:

“It was last Saturday night and I was looking forward to Match Of The Day when my girlfriend, suddenly and without warning, began to discuss our relationship and her hopes and fears for our future together.

“Naturally, I zoned out immediately and started wondering about the number of cans of beer I had left in the fridge. I even got up and checked at one point to set my mind at rest.

“However, as soon as I sat back down she began talking about how our relationship had developed over the last year and how she hoped we could move up to a new level if we really committed to each other and learned to concentrate on the important things.

“It was when she began to reminisce about how we’d first met that I suddenly felt a fleeting moment of interest.

“I began to vaguely recall how I’d dumped my previous girlfriend to take up with her, and started to wonder if I still had those pics of my ex in her underwear on my phone.

“I had a quick check to make sure and fortunately, they were still there. I sighed with relief and began to mentally go over the day’s football results as my girlfriend moved on to how she sometimes felt taken for granted and unimportant.

“Luckily, she had just started to talk about her best friend’s wonderful relationship, and how she and her fiance were planning a June wedding, when the match started and I was able to send her out to get me another beer while I put the headphones on to listen to the commentary in peace”

This latest revelation comes just two weeks after a man from Sheffield claimed to have expressed a half-hearted opinion on interior decor when his girlfriend told him she was thinking of painting the downstairs toilet.

image pixabay/overjupiter

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Picard slams Kirk's latest "mission" as "little more than a publicity stunt"

Starfleet's Jean-Luc Picard has slammed former colleague, James T Kirk's flight into space today, as "nothing more than a tawdry publicity stunt from a man whose glory days are now long behind him". The stinging remarks were made on live TV when Picard was asked to comment on the latest mission by Jeff Bezos's Blue Origin rocket. He told reporters: 'You call that a space mission? Good God, space joke more like. It was nothing other than than an elaborately overpriced fairground ride. A risible joke. He'd have been more at risk on The One at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. "Now if Kirk had maybe gone to the Delta Quadrant, been captured by the Borg, assimilated into the collective as a drone, but then escaped and shagged a few alien birds along the way, that would be a different matter altogether. But, come on, he just went straight up in the air above the Texas Desert and came straight back down again. Blink and you'd miss it. No more five-year missions, now. Eh, Jimbo?'' However, speaking on the steps of his multibillion dollar state-of-the-art phallic craft after the historic flight, an angry Kirk hit back. 'Picard's just a sore loser. Listen, there's only one Starfleet Captain Jeff (Bezos) wanted to fly that mission and you're looking at him right here, my friends. But now if you'll excuse me, this space suit's chafing, I've been cooped up in the capsule for a good twenty minutes and I have to visit the restroom to boldly go.'

image pixabay/henlfern

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