'Festival of Thatcher' to charge entry inverse to people's wealth

It has been announced that that the recently announced Margaret Thatcher Centenary event, due to take place in the former Prime Minister's hometown in October, will charge an entry fee inverse to how much money a person actually has.

"It's really quite simple" said one of the 'Festival of Thatcher' organisers "the poorer you are, the more you have to pay. It's exactly what Mrs Thatcher, bless her soul, would have wanted. We really wanted to pull out all the stops to mark 100 years since her birth, and this seems like the perfect way."

"For instance, if you're on benefits and want to come along it'll be £250 to get in each, and that's with no child rates. For the slighty more well off it'd be £100, if you're an executive in a well paying job £25, if you're Jacob Rees-Mogg you'd only have to pay £10 for a family ticket and if you just happened to be a billionaire hedge-fund manager you'll get in for free and also receive a souvenir bag!" 

Although not all of the events have been announced they are expected to include such attractions including games (including Sink the Belgrano and Dunk the Miner), stalls selling various Thatcher memorabilia starting at only £500 and finally the unveiling of a solid gold statue of the Iron Lady charged exclusively to the taxpayer.

"We're all very excited and everyone wants to do their part" said one local "One of my mates is dressing up as John Sergeant and letting people interrupt him and have their staff shove him out of the way."

image from pixabay

author: Garibaldi

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British Detectives Continue To Search Algarve Golf Courses for Madeleine McCann

While German and Portuguese Police search wasteland near Praia da Luz for clues relating to the disappearance of Madeleine McCann 18 years ago, members of the Metropolitan Police case team continue to investigate their hunch that the three-year-old went missing in the rough around one of the Algarve's many golf courses.

Speaking at the first tee of the Espiche Club, lead officer DCI Savage gave an update on behalf of his team and four-ball, telling reporters, "While we accept it's an outside chance, we won't rest until every inch of this course and any others within 30 miles of Lagos have been thoroughly searched, which won't be that hard thanks to DS Brightman shanking every shot with his driver anywhere but the fairway!"

Four hours later, the search team returned with good news, "Hastings got a hole-in-one on the ninth!" Savage told us, "So that's saved the investigation a bit of cash as the Milky bars are on him tonight!"

When asked how long this case could be kept open, Savage said, "Well, there's three more courses to search, actually four if you count the Stableford competition we've got planned with the local plods. Then there's a rumour a girl matching the computer-aged images of Madeline was seen at the Portimão Restaurant Festival, so we've got some reservations there to follow-up the lead. After that, it depends how long the weather holds out and when the courts confirm the date for my misconduct hearing."

image form pixabay

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Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats.

Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”, the campaign will try to persuade migrants who’ve already made it to France that they should stay there, and not imagine Britain is some kind of promised land it’s worth risking your life to reach.

The campaign will use positive images of France such as fields of lavender or sunflowers, baguettes and croissants, the Côte d’Azur, and the gentle buzz of a Citroen 2CV as it wends it way through sun-soaked Provence.

These will be contrasted with images of Wetherspoons’ chucking-out time on a Saturday night in Basildon, a damp sandwich bought on the Kings Cross to Manchester train, a run-down seaside resort on a rainy November Monday, or any footage of Keir Starmer.

“It really shouldn’t be hard to convince people France is nice,” said a cabinet minister. “Any idiot could do it. At least I hope so, since I’m giving the contract to an old school chum who never struck me as all that bright.”

image from pixabay

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