Sound in the know by always saying: 'Insurance job'

Pub bores: Would you like to impress your dim-witted, dipsomaniac friends?

Just shake your head knowingly and mutter 'insurance job' whenever someone mentions a fire. You have no idea how worldly-wise you'll sound to yourself.

Practice with these examples:

Fire at a loss-making shopping centre in Scunthorpe - 'Tsk. Insurance job, I reckon.'

Fire which burns down Notre Dame cathedral - 'Tsk. Insurance job, I bet you.'

Fire which destroys a primary school in Gaza following an Israeli air strike - 'Tsk. Insurance job. Gotta be.'

Don't worry about your colleagues and acquaintances telling you what uninformed nonsense you're talking. They stopped listening to a word you say long ago.

However, with persistence, stoutly stating 'insurance job' in relation to any blaze you happen to hear about could land you a plum job with the Met Police CID.

You will then be able to spend your days making out that you have the inside dope on everything, while failing to solve a single crime for years on end.

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

Man 'stable' after draining cooked pasta water down the sink

A Retford man is expected to make a full recovery, after accidentally draining his starchy cooked pasta water straight down the sink, instead of retaining it to mix in with his pasta sauce, it has been confirmed.

The incident occurred whilst Pete McBride, 45, was doing some 'theatre cooking', rustling up a cheeky penne with arrabiata sauce, for himself, his wife and two daughters, while they sat at the kitchen table.

'I don't know how it happened', confessed an upset McBride, after enduring a tense meal, punctuated only by quiet sobs from his 10-year-old daughter and complaints that the sauce was 'scarily bland' and just hadn't bound together at all.

'It was a schoolboy error', admitted McBride. It's basic advice in every pasta recipe in every cook book. I could hear Ainsley Harriet's chirpy tones stressing that 'You must keep a bit of starchy water as you drain the pasta sauce. You really must.' 

'It seemed to happen in slow motion', continued McBride. 'I just let it all drain down the sink in a colander.  I could see my wife's mouth drop in horror. I panicked and quickly tried to add a bit of cornflour into the pasta sauce, and a few capers, but the sauce started congealing and lumping up before my eyes. It was gut-wrenching.'

McBride has agreed to undertake a process of rehabilitation, including basic refresher training in how to place an empty pan under the colander to collect water, as well as watching repeats of every episode of Saturday Kitchen ever.

Image credit: Wix AI

Harry and Meghan's seventh wedding anniversary

Harry and Meghan Sussex celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary this month.

Traditionally, the seventh wedding anniversary is celebrated by gifts of wool.  Or is it Formica?  No, it's definitely wool.

Harry will be giving Meghan wool, so that she can pull it over the eyes of Netflix executives, who've paid out tens of millions of dollars for some of the duffest TV shows ever.

Meghan will be giving Harry wool, so that he can pull it over the eyes of the British who are supposed to always love him, despite the kiss and tell book, the kiss and tell TV shows, the dodgy charity work and the constant moaning about his Dad, his brother, his brother's wife, his Stepmum and so on.  Basically the entire royal family.  And the British press.  And the British legal system.

We expect that Meghan will sell some of the wool on her lifestyle website.  So If you'd like to have Meghan's wool pulled over your eyes, then now's your chance.

Are you stupid enough to pay $700 plus postage and package for some wool?  Well, are you, punk?

Picture credit: Wix AI