Sound in the know by always saying: 'Insurance job'

Pub bores: Would you like to impress your dim-witted, dipsomaniac friends?

Just shake your head knowingly and mutter 'insurance job' whenever someone mentions a fire. You have no idea how worldly-wise you'll sound to yourself.

Practice with these examples:

Fire at a loss-making shopping centre in Scunthorpe - 'Tsk. Insurance job, I reckon.'

Fire which burns down Notre Dame cathedral - 'Tsk. Insurance job, I bet you.'

Fire which destroys a primary school in Gaza following an Israeli air strike - 'Tsk. Insurance job. Gotta be.'

Don't worry about your colleagues and acquaintances telling you what uninformed nonsense you're talking. They stopped listening to a word you say long ago.

However, with persistence, stoutly stating 'insurance job' in relation to any blaze you happen to hear about could land you a plum job with the Met Police CID.

You will then be able to spend your days making out that you have the inside dope on everything, while failing to solve a single crime for years on end.

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio