White House hires exorcist to deal with Epstein’s ghost

A confused White House is believed to be considering hiring a Catholic priest to exorcise Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost.

‘All I hear is Epstein’s ghost this, Epstein’s ghost that’, a spokesman said. ‘The big man wants this ghost gone, just like he wanted some random people in Minneapolis gone, so that’s what we’re gonna do’.

A Vatican spokesman confirmed that exorcism is still a thing but pointed out that the problem might be more to do with living people than dead ones. The Vatican also said we shouldn’t expect ‘spooky music, people having their heads sliced off in freak accidents or walls pasted with pages from the Bible’. Disappointing. Maybe there’s a premium service we could order, like Exorcism Platinum?

Jeffrey Epstein was an evil man who arranged the rape of hundreds of children by, erm, nobody else. Just himself, presumably. He was the only one charged, so that must mean that he arranged an entire paedo island infrastructure just to satisfy the perverted interests of one man. And now he’s haunting the White House, which is additional proof that he was a wrong ‘un.

The world is a much safer place with Epstein gone. Since there weren’t any other rich paedophiles, we can safely assume that children in America are now safe and won’t be raped any more. There definitely won’t be any organised networks of rich, powerful men abusing children systematically, because there really was only the one and he’s now dead.

Rest easy, America. 

image from Grok

Gold for Team GB as Keir Starmer wins the 500m skating on thin ice

There was restrained, almost apologetic jubilation at Team GB headquarters last night as Keir Starmer secured gold in the newly created Olympic discipline, Skating on Thin Ice.

The course itself was a triumph of modern hazard management, featuring a crevasse filled with snowflake WASPI women, a regiment of frozen pensioners, a slalom of compulsory U-turns, an avalanche of meaningless apologies and a lake of ice so thin it was last seen hosting a Labour policy announcement.

Starmer, dressed in his trademark figure-hugging grey aerodynamic suit, grey tie, grey hi-vis vest and grey helmet, employed what commentators described as the “Dull Lawyer’s Glide”, a textbook move straight out the choreography textbook.

Extra points were awarded for technical difficulty after Starmer simultaneously committed to crossing the lake, ruled it out, reintroduced it as a possibility and then insisted he had already crossed it several times in principle.

Bob Sleigh, Head of Team GB Pointless Sports, praised the performance. “With a modicum of skill, a dearth of talent and the personality of a broken office thermostat, Keir has shown that you really can avoid political death and cling to survival by your fingernails.”

Starmer thanked the crowd, apologised for winning, apologised again for the apology, and commissioned a review into whether gold medals were still appropriate in the current climate.

image by Grok

The Ghislaine Maxwell revelations in full - world exclusive!

What, you want to read them again?

Oh OK, then, here goes.

Still not satisfied?

Well she did refer to the Fifth rather a lot.  Probably asked for a glass of water and a pardon.  Which, given the amount of dirt she didn't spread, is probably in the post.  The pardon that is, not the water.  She almost certainly didn't drink the water anyway once she'd thought about it given Epstein managed to hang himself with paper towels while the CCTV was off.

For those with short memories, here's the revelations one last time.

image from pixabay