Fatberg in central London clogging up the system found to be Boris Johnson

The largest fatberg found yet has been discovered in central London. Residents had been complaining of a putrid stink for several years, but not enough people could work out what it was.

'A lot of sh!t has been piling up,' said Doreen Jam from Marylebone. 'It's like all of the excrement of the world has been overflowing into the streets, and it has spread as far as the nose can smell.

Nothing has been getting through, and there is this general feeling that the entire place is going down the sewer. It's like there is an enormous blockage somewhere, stopping anything useful or helpful from happening. The general feeling is that the future looks bleak and it is probably Europe's fault.

'But then some people who knew what they were doing went to investigate and it turned out it was the Prime Minister. It is disheartening to learn that so many thoughtless people have contributed to this immense problematic lump. It is refusing to budge and we could be stuck with it for a very long time. Turns out you can't just flush it away, and in the meantime it's going to continue to ruin everyone's life.

'This disgusting mass of congealed, useless fat has been causing a blockage for years. But I still have an urge to vote for it.'

Image: rauschenberger | Pixabay

Singing can raise spirits says MP

Another MP has offered advice to Britons worried by rising prices and facing financial hardship.

Noah Eydeer, the MP for Head-In-The-Sand, suggested that people who are concerned by rising prices should turn to singing to raise their spirits.

"I understand what a jolly rotten time members of the public are having, but people do have a choice about how they react in a situation and I think that singing is a wonderful way raise their spirits. Rather than spending time worrying about where the next meal is coming from or how they will pay the fuel bill, why not belt out a few verses of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin or "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" by Monty Python.

The MP also suggested that if households have "Sing-offs" with neighbours outside the food bank, then that could lead to a stronger community spirit. "That would take their mind off needing to eat."

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/dangkhoa1848-19024984

Author: urbanhermit

Great works of literature nipped in the bud

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, should join a monastery.

'You're right, Romeo, our dads hate each other, let's not go there'.

Oedipus: 'I always insist on a DNA test before the first date'.

'There he is - hey Godot, you're early'.

Second rate opium, I'm afraid, Coleridge, and you have an appointment with some bores from Porlock some time today.

In the beginning was the word, and the word was 'F*ck - its too dark here to write'.

'It was the best of ties, it was the worst of ties'.

'Call me Trishmale'.

'It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a Ford Capri with a slab of concrete in the boot'.

'BERNARDO: Who's there?

FRANCISCO: Delivery for Babs.'

'Lolita, light of my life, federal agent pretending to be 12'.

'Josef K, the European Court of Human Rights has given you the all clear'.

'Sure, Oliver, have some more, you little sh!t, and may you croak of type 2 diabetes before you're 30'.

'In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of little worms and an oozy smell. Which was unfortunate, because such smells repel the invasive giant sand worms from the planet Arrakis, and hobbits are very tasty'.

'Mr. Christian, you are out of order'. 'Sorry Captain, it will not happen again'.

'It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen, but then they fixed them'.

'When shall we three meet again? King's Head next Tuesday?'

'Last night I dreamt of underlay again'.

'The Martians have landed near Woking - quick - hide the Lemsip!'

Contributions from and hat tips to: Granger, Dogular, SteveB, FlashArry, & StewartBarclay,