Horoscopes for February 2025 by Sybil

Aries

Sorry, I've been sworn to secrecy for your sign this month.

Taurus

When I said it was time to live life in the fast lane I was using a figure of speech : it was not an instruction, you idiot. i will not be reimbursing you for the tent, sleeping bag and gas stove now strewn along the central reservation of the A1(M) near Doncaster.

Gemini

There is considerable scope for health improvements this month. A stethoscope will be helpful. And a gastroscope. And, unfortunately, a colonoscope. And also a telescope. Don't worry - the doctors will get it out.

Cancer

The voice from beyond the grave says "No message this time as I'll be seeing you soon”

Leo

As you trust my judgement, perhaps you would be interested in investing in some cryptocurrency that I am developing?

Virgo

The Dragon of Disorder has taken up residence in your sock drawer, the Shrew of Penury has eaten the last remnants in your bank account, and the Badger of Sobriety has again shat in your mouth : this is what happens when you unwittingly dick about with Feng-Shui, moron.

Put the furniture back where it was and your trust back in the pareidolia of the heavens

Libra

Oh, Ooh, ah, wow, oof, eesh.

Scorpio

Today is a good day to visit an old acquaintance that you haven't seen for a long time.  You've missed your last few meetings, so you really should make the effort to see them today.  If you are unable to meet them before sundown, then you will be taking a long journey back to a place that you don't much care for.  Do I have to spell this out?  If you don't check in with your parole officer TODAY, then you're going back to prison.

Sagittarius

Sadly, this month the Heavens merely refer to you as ‘collateral damage’.

Capricorn

You will embark on an unexpected, mysterious journey, learning much about strange, exotic places before you eventually turn up at your original destination, exhausted and confused.

In the future, you really should pay more attention to the platform announcements and the 'Departures' board.

Aquarius

A loved one will show no compunction in callously hurting you, and will show no remorse or regret for their actions - but that's cats for you. If you want unwavering devotion and loyalty, get a spaniel.

Pisces

Fireworks, music, dancing. You'd have loved it if you had been invited.

Contributions from:

deskpilot : Scorpio

Sinnick :  Cancer

FlashArry : Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo, Aquarius

www.newsbiscuit.com

By Presidential Appointment

President Trump has started a new endorsement scheme that allows products to describe themselves as ‘by appointment to the President’. The scheme appears to closely follow the ‘By Royal Appointment’ scheme used by the British royal family.

The President says that he is prepared to endorse ‘all American’ products, in return for a suitable fee and a lifetime’s supply of the product. He will only endorse one product in each category, to be decided by an auction-style bidding process. He plans to use the proceeds to fund his Trump 2028 campaign.

The first endorsement will be for trainers. The President is all out of his five hundred gold dollar trainers and figures that it would be easier to take royalties from an established brand. He has insisted that the winning trainer brand should produce special edition ‘The-Donald’ trainers in his trademark shade of orange, and with the tag line Run, Donald, Run (2028).

Other products likely to receive endorsements soon include pistols, revolvers, shotguns, rifles, semi-automatic rifles, machine guns, howitzers and bazookas. The President’s office has clarified that, in view of the amount of money involved, all of these products are considered to be separate categories for the purposes of endorsement.

Products unlikely to receive an endorsement include Trump Fruitcake, Trump Crackers and Trump Nuts.

Photo by NIPYATA! on Unsplash

American streets now made entirely from gold

Only a week into the big job and President Trump has transformed the USA. Crime has vanished, nobody is sick and Canada is begging to join the party.

‘I was a sceptic’ said Marjorie Williams (58), a lifelong Democrat. ‘But then the Gold Man drove by, distributing ingots to every household, and I can afford to retire early’.

Every large American town now has a Gold Man, tasked with getting rid of all the pesky gold accumulating since America became Great again.

Formerly trans people have developed clarity over their sexuality and gender alignment, which has significantly improved their sense of well-being. Hurricanes have agreed to stay away from the United States after The Donald ‘had a word’, and all geographical features in the world have volunteered to be renamed ‘of America’.

Perhaps the best news is oil. No longer a hydrocarbon, oil has miraculously stopped producing CO2 when combusted, meaning that the polar bears can safely continue sitting on top of giant mints.

In other news, man, this is really good shit.

Photo by Pierre Blaché on Unsplash