• Home

  • Captions

  • About

  • All News

  • Writers' Room

  • Writer of the Month

  • Podcast

  • Shop

  • More

    Use tab to navigate through the menu items.

    NewsBiscuit

    The UK’s original fake news

    • Tumblr
    • YouTube
    • Spotify
    • LinkedIn
    • Instagram
    • IconFlip
    • Amazon
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • RSS
    Logo4_edited_edited.png
    • All Posts
    • Front Page
    • News in Brief
    • Headlines
    • Features
    • From the Archive
    • Caption Competition
    • Cartoons
    • Politics
    • Sport/Entertainment
    • Lifestyle
    • Science/Business
    • Local News
    Search
    • Modelmaker
      • May 13
      • 1 min read

    Fukushima fish deal a boost for HAZMAT kitchenwear industry


    Photo: HAZMAT kitchenwear modelled by Janine and her friend also called Janine



    Boris Johnson's relaxation of the ban on fish and vegetables from Fukushima has been welcomed by a major manufacturer of radiation protection equipment, saying it was worth every penny the company donated to the Tory party.


    In addition, the relaxation is timely as it coincides with a range of unisex high-fashion HAZMAT garments and lead kitchen aprons designed by Emma Bridgewater due to be launched at London Fashion Week in June.


    British cooker manufacturers are also excited by the prospect, hoping it will boost sales and thereby bring down the cost of their range of biohazard cooking products, previous sales of which have only been affordable by oligarchs who dine on genuine Russian food supplied by Putin Enterprises Inc.


    The cookers, reminiscent of chemical fume cupboards, offer the benefit of preventing cooking smells from permeating the home. Olga Smirnoff, an oligarch's wife told us that her biohazard cooker has been brilliant, even when her husband fancies a curry. 'I've asked if it can be adapted to accommodate a bed for him to sleep in on the days he has one,' she confirmed.


    NewsBiscuit invited two chefs to try Fukushima fish and both agreed it was 'rank', but still preferable to what they are forced to cook with when providing meals for the schools and hospitals they work for.


    Ready Brek is preparing a legal contest on the sale of Fukushima fish, in the event it actually makes children glow and contravenes the intellectual property inherent in its advertising.

    • News in Brief
    • •
    • Lifestyle
    46 views0 comments
    • Wrenfoe
      • May 11
      • 1 min read

    Next Pirelli Calendar to be based on Mayan Calendar


    The iconic racing calendar will feature erotic pictures of Aztec Priests and topless photographs of the human sacrifices they beheaded. Car fanatics were said to be excited about this retro-AD 250 look; which pre-dates the Ford Triumph by at least seven years.


    A graphics editor said: 'We can't predict the end of the world but next month will definitely be tits'.



    Image from Pixabay by Pexels

    https://pixabay.com/photos/woman-body-naked-nude-nude-model-1869791/


    • News in Brief
    • •
    • Lifestyle
    102 views0 comments
    • saraht
      • May 9
      • 1 min read

    Turmeric under unreasonable pressure to fix all ailments


    Jars of turmeric are feeling the pressure from people who read adverts in magazines uncritically to sort out their dodgy back, stop them going bald, help them see better in the dark and restore their libido to that of a teenager.


    A jar of turmeric sighed, ‘We can make things yellow and taste a bit spicy but we’ve got no proof we can do all the other stuff and it’s embarrassing us. We don’t want to waste people’s money. There is no good evidence that we have these health benefits. We’d love to be able to say we’re a wonder cure for anything that ails you but we most probably aren’t. Admittedly it’s much, much easier to buy some pills made of us after seeing an ad in your gardening magazine than it is to see your GP and get some drugs which have been tested in clinical trials and approved for use in the NHS. We won’t do you any harm but any good we do is likely to be coincidence and wishful thinking. Enjoy our jolly bright colour and our taste though and we hope you feel better soon’.



    Image from Pixabay by NirmalSarkar

    https://pixabay.com/photos/turmeric-neem-cup-wallpaper-5286228/

    • Front Page
    • •
    • Lifestyle
    101 views0 comments
    78
    9
    1011

    Back to Top

    Subscribe for updates

    Thanks for submitting!

    • Home
    • Captions
    • About
    • All News
    • Writers' Room
    • Writer of the Month
    • Podcast
    • Shop
    • IconFlip
    • RSS
    • Amazon
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Tumblr
    • YouTube
    • Spotify
    • LinkedIn
    • Instagram

    NewsBiscuit on Flipboard

    © 2023 NewsBiscuit