Trump University to reopen with new courses and promises not to be a massive scam

After being shut down for being a massive scam, Trump University is to reopen with a brand-new set of courses for the easily manipulated.

Media Control and Propaganda Studies

The fact that you enrolled in this course shows how successful this can be

Financial Mismanagement and Money Laundering

How to prevent people following the money

Crypto investing and swindling

You will learn all sorts of new investment techniques such as “rug pulls” and “Pump and dump” which are just as hideous as they sound.

Construction Engineering of Internment camps

Lessons cover tower construction, field of fire management and anti-tunnel techniques along with how best to include a children’s play area.

Revisionist History with alternative studies

Did Hitler really do anything wrong?

Extracurricular activities could involve joining the same-coloured shirt society, this year’s colour is brown.

Image: WixAI

Make All Gulfs American

President Trump has elaborated on his announcement that the Gulf of Mexico is to be renamed the Gulf of America, stating that other gulfs are to be renamed to be more patriotic too. Those with names that already reference America, such as the Gulf of Alaska and the Gulf of California, will not change. However, all other gulfs are subject to change, with the Arabian Gulf likely to become the African-American Gulf to reflect the average US citizen's understanding of Middle East geography.

Trump is also keen to maintain existing gulfs, such as the one between climate change science and his energy policy, and the one between English and the language that he and his supporters attempt to speak. Trump also denied any suggestion that he would reduce the size of the gulf between facts and the contents of his speeches.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Fight Blue Monday with sharp scissors

Are you ready for Blue Monday?

Blue Monday is 'the most depressing day of the year' and falls this year on January 20th. The day is associated with feelings of sadness, low motivation, and a lack of energy. But – good news! - you can take action to protect yourself from the doom and gloom.

While many commentators will blather on about exercise, mediation, and not going on a massive bender, here are more practical and down to earth steps that you can take:

1. Avoid dismal stories about Blue Monday. Journalists will be wheeling out their lazy stories about Blue Monday – probably the same one they used last year. You don’t have to put up with this. Buy a Sunday newspaper and make it last through Monday. Or buy your favourite magazine instead. (Remember magazines ? Those things you used to read in WH Smith and then put back on the shelf.) But definitely don’t buy a newspaper on Monday.

2. Replace that non-non-stick frying pan. Few things in life are as depressing as a worn out non-stick pan. Fried eggs that should slide out easily are welded to the black bit on the pan, and get completely banjaxed as you try to lever them off with a spatula. Spare yourself. Replace that pan today!

3. Replace scissors that don’t work. Hot on the heels of dodgy pans are blunt or loose scissors. You know, the ones that chew feebly at plastic bags or bend your fingernails over instead of cutting them. Depressing, but fixable. Fight Blue Monday with a new pair of sharp scissors.

4. Sort out tax returns. Yes, they are due at the end of January, so you’ve messed it up again for this year. Make a diary note to do your tax return in December this year, so you can avoid a dismal January next year.

Finally, remember that there is no science behind Blue Monday.

Charities have co-opted it to promote mental health awareness and self-care, so – in a brilliantly self-defeating way - it gets more publicity than is healthy.

And social media likes to pile on and amplify the whole disheartening fiasco. So you should stay off social media on Monday as well. Instead, make a diary note to cut your fingernails with your new scissors.

Image: WikimediaImages - Pixabay