"I was just curtain-twitching as usual when I noticed four naked people stop at a field across the road", says Mrs Celia Hackett, 68, of Kent. "Naturally, I assumed they were just doggers, as they were all overweight and their car was a beige Mondeo. So I thought nothing more of it. Imagine my sense of betrayal when I found they'd left behind five bags full of unsorted household waste".
"These are not genuine doggers", says outraged dogging spokesman Chris Waley. "We have a strict code of conduct that forbids us from leaving anything at the scene except designated body fluids and maybe the odd vibrator battery if it's biodegradable".
Meanwhile, butcher Gordon Miffley was almost lynched when he was caught in the act of dumping 50kg of offal in the Devon countryside. "I tried to explain that it was part of our local council's Cultural Exchange Week", he says. "We tip our rubbish in an area of outstanding natural beauty while the doggers hold their orgies at the municipal recycling centre".
In the past 5 years, over one million new patients have sort to alleviate the darkness that is Boris Johnson. Said one depressive: 'I didn't know what bottom was, until I saw the side of that Brexit bus. I just spiralled into misery, just like one of his wives.'
With his constant lying and disregard for human life Boris has much in common with Big Pharma. But while rhe devastating side effects of Prozac are well-documented, they cannot be worse than listening to Boris joking in Latin.
Sadly, with Sunak and Starmer voters will still need medication and a very stiff drink. Said one: 'Boris taught me that sober is not an option. Which ironically was also his motto for staff parties during lockdown.'
A weekly magazine noted for regularly suggesting 10 ways everything can improve, has disappointed some of its readers today by suggesting a paltry single way.
Reader Gladys Pugh from Chiswick said she felt cheated after spending two quid on the magazine in the hope of learning ten things that would improve her life but only getting one said “It’s inflation gone mad! It used to be 20p per suggestion, but now it’s costing ten times as much.
Her husband, Richard Pugh, also from Chiswick at the time this article was written, is the magazine editor and pointed out that as every idea they publish invariably entails purchases, having just the one suggestion is what people need in a cost of living crisis and he intends to ensure his writers focus on brilliant suggestions for how his wife can improve her life by visiting the pound shop.
“I had to take action after last week’s edition had ridiculous suggestions that ended up costing three hundred quid we don’t have to spare.” he said “The last thing we needed was ten more suggestions for arguments.”