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Net migration number of 204,000 was the same man

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The government has admitted that the net migration figures are due to the same man arriving, leaving and returning, usually by small boat, sometimes on a trawler, occasionally on a barge, never by P & O as they only use third world labour at slave rates and although an illegal migrant he has his principles.


Apparently the furore earlier this year regarding a migrant deported who turned back up again twenty-four hours later wasn't an isolated case.  It was the same guy U-turning in the Channel more frequently than Rachel Reeves' budget.


To complicate matters, the man in question is from Barnsley and has been attempting to get in the Guinness Book of Records.  So far he's only achieved an entry in Ripleys Believe It Or Not annual, as nobody can believe anyone wants to come here that bad, even if they are a UK citizen.




Trump to star in "Groundhog Day 2: Ukraine, Again and Again"

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"He's a deeply disagreeable, narcissistic showman who treats everyone around him like dirt," said a spokes-clapperboard for the Groundhog Day franchise.


"Therefore, the gods punish him by making him try to get a peace deal for Ukraine, on a loop, for the best part of a year.


"Every time, it's the same story. Donald Trump tries to bully Zelensky into giving Russia everything it wants - because that would make the whole business so much simpler. Every time, Zelensky's European allies come to his aid and he resists.


"Then Trump starts all over again, trying to ram Russia's wish list down Zelensky's throat and make him swallow it.


"Every new day in the movie starts with a cute and chubby rodent called 'Witkoff' poking its head up in the Kremlin and then getting paraded around the place by oligarchs for people's amusement.


"'Why does Trump try so hard to clinch this peace deal?' I hear you ask," said the spokes-groundhog. "Well there's a love interest Trump is trying to impress, who he'd do anything for.


"We tried to persuade the delightful Andie MacDowell to reprise this role. However, she said no amount of money could persuade her to do an romantic scene with someone as repulsive as Trump.


"'Who do you think I am, Stormy Daniels?' were her precise words.


"So we had to settle for some ageing Russian goblin called Vladimir. Luckily, Trump's fallen head over heels for him - the weirdo."




£1.8bn for Digital ID but think of the clubcard points!

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The general public are outraged by the profligacy, but no one can turn their nose up at cheap tickets to Alton Towers. A Minister said: "Yes its a dystopian authoritative overreach, but on the upside you'll get 5% off Tesco brand trainers."


£1.8bn on a loyalty card is a bargain when you think of the things we could wasted it on- like ending homelessness. Instead we'll get a shiny bit of plastic, every bit as valuable as your Blockbuster card.


"No one wants a Digital ID and the end of freedom but f$ck it, 50% off at Hungry Horse pubs- think of that! I'd sell my kids to Palantir if it meant a discounted family day out - which kind of defeats the point, but so what. My liberty is nothing compared to marginally less expensive RAC breakdown cover."









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