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Crew of HMS Sitting Duck terrified they'll be sent to Gulf



"The PM's being badgered constantly by Donald Trump to send a warship to the Strait of Hormuz," said Commander John Doomed, skipper of the minesweeper Sitting Duck.


"We're all worried that one day soon he'll buckle under the pressure and send us, since we're the only boat on hand in Portsmouth Harbour bigger than a fishing smack.


"I shouldn't say this," continued the captain, sailing his vessel under a ladder, "but this has always been an unlucky ship - ever since the day we were launched by Prince Andrew, who broke a bottle of Eau de Guiffre over our bow.


"Then our bosun shot an albatross in the wardroom while going for a double top, and the ship's cat died of mange.


"We'd inevitably be sunk within two minutes of setting rudder in that strait, so why won't they have pity on us and send someone else? They could use the Royal Navy rowing boat Banana Skin, or that state of the art coracle made of reeds - HMS Short Straw.


"They'd do sod-all good opening up the shipping lanes, but at least they'd be smaller targets. In fact, the Iranians might not realise they were there at all."



Companies offered £3,000 to hire under-24s



The government is offering businesses a cash incentive to hire unemployed youngsters.  The aim is to reduce the two million under-24s who are not in education, employment, or training (NEET).


‘It’s a great scheme,’ whooped a government cheerleader. ‘£3,000 is a massive bung.  It will cover the extra costs of the minimum wage that we whacked them with at the last budget, and it will cover the extra costs of higher national insurance and lower national insurance thresholds.  And it will cover the extra energy costs and business rates.  Probably.  Unless you’re a pub.  And it will cover the extra corporation tax that we’re charging too.  And it reduces government spending on sickness benefit and unemployment benefits.  We can really make £3,000 do a lot of heavy lifting.  Everyone’s a winner – a neet solution, if you like.


So, to summarise, we are literally paying businesses fistfuls of cash to companies to take people on.  If they can get them on an apprenticeship then we can pay even more.  If they meet equality and diversity targets they get a bonus.  And all participating companies will be entered into a prize draw to win a government PPE contract or lunch with Keir Starmer.


‘This scheme shows that the government is on the side of businesses, cheering them on, and leading the growth that we keep banging on about.


‘On the downside, if businesses can’t make this scheme a success, then we will take the difficult decision to increase business taxes again in the Autumn Statement.'



Trump declares that the Strait of Hormuz is "fake news"


"I never heard of it before," Trump told his audience at a rally in Ignoramus, Nebraska.


"And none of my golfing buddies or sons in law ever heard anything about this Strait of Hormuz, either - and they're my Middle East experts.


"But that might be because they're the kind of experts who shoot their mouths off first and look at maps after. 


"I hear people are saying that the Iranians has just invented this Hormuz place. They're saying to me: 'Sir, this is the dead Ayatollah spreading fake news to pretend you haven't won the war yet.'


"If anyone says anything ever again about this made-up Strait of Hormuz being blocked, or ships getting sunk in it, I'll have Kash Patel's FBI Gestapo arrest them for treason. And if I hear our lying, liberal TV companies say another word about Hormuz, then I'll sue them and get the FCC to confiscate their licences.


"And now I've dealt with all these lies about the the totally fake Strait of Hormuz, you're going to see gas prices fall so low they'll be paying you to fill up your car."


Donald Trump is 79 in decrepit, sinking oil tanker years.     



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