Trump's going to need a bigger trophy cabinet

Hot on the heels of last week's completely made up Man of the Century award comes yet another ludicrous plaudit for Trump. "The Best Person To Have Lived... Ever" trophy will be presented to him at a lavish White House ceremony in December as part of the Christmas celebrations. The prize is understood to comprise a repurposed Junior League baseball shield, a lifetime supply of McDonald's, and fifty-five billion dollars in untraceable cryptocurrency. 

Speaking in The Oval Office to a handpicked pack of press poodles and looking like the cat that got the cream, a beaming Trump said. 'For most people this would be a humbling moment. But for me it's completely deserved and of course it doesn't surprise me. Because... well... I am that person. Yes I am. People have been telling me since I was little more than two. You're the best, they say. And now the whole world agrees.

'But take Barak Hussein Obama... O-bah-ma. He's not the best person. No he's not. He's the worst person. A nasty low intelligence person. They gave him a Nobel Prize. And just like Biden's result in 2020 that vote was rigged, too. I shoulda got the Nobel. Everyone said so. I ended fifty wars. But in the end cheaters never win. Just look at what I'm going to get now. O-bah-ma. It's a tremendous and beautiful thing. Your Nobel prize is a lump of crap. Mine is the best for the very best. That's what it's gonna say on the trophy. So let's see you prove any different.'

The briefing ended when Trump was carried off to the nursery in a sedan chair by JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Joe Mitchell and Mike Johnson for his bottle, and afternoon nap.

photo: Photo by tommao wang on Unsplash

1,000 days until we can thump Wes Streeting

The Defence Secretary made it clear that the UK should prepare for conflict and most people think starting with him is as good a place as any. Said one citizen as he rolled up his sleeves, 'I've no interest in fighting a Russian who I've never met, but there'll be a sizeable queue to wipe that smarmy expression off Streeting's spoon-faced bonce.'

The trouble is we now have 1,000 days of anticipation and so much good reason to knock his block off. One colleague advised, 'Try to memorize the periodic table backwards, forwards, and in alphabetical order by sound. Once you've mastered that, try reciting it while doing the Macarena. Even if that doesn't kill time, you'll be thoroughly confused by the end of it.'

Streeting is not the first Minister to volunteer for a beating, ex-PM Keir Starmer famously punched himself in the face with every policy announcement. Moscow is yet to comment on the new strategy, but it is understood Putin is willing to surrender the Ukraine just to stop Streeting's nasal whine. Readers can purchase a bespoke 1,000 calendar, which instead of ending with Xmas, ends with Boxing Day.

Image: WixAI

Much loved by-election character to be retired

British comedian Jon Harvey is to retire his much loved comic creation. He has fought numerous by-elections in character with limited success, but has achieved worldwide recognition and international fame.

'It is time to hang up my costume,' said the comedian. 'As everyone will know by now, I based the character on Al Murray's pub landlord, and now I'm finally calling time.

'My alter ego, Nigel Farage, has been a widely recognised but divisive character. With his pint glass always in hand, I intended him to be funny and also ridiculous. It's a shame that many people took him seriously. I'm particularly alarmed that Rupert Lowe has positioned himself as a ridiculously extreme version of an already ridiculous character.

Fighting by elections as both Count Binface and Nigel Farage was very difficult for me. It required speedy costume changes and a well organised back up team. But I can't be in two places at once and that's why Nigel couldn't attend the declaration in Clacton. And it's why you didn't see much of Count Binface during the campaign.

So that's why I'm 'putting out the trash,' he concluded. 'And I'm retiring Binface as well.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive