No plans to stop giving Royals undeserved honours and titles

"We've stripped Andrew of about 20 titles and honours since 2022, including Vice-Admiral of the Fleet, Colonel in Chief of several regiments and a member of the Most Honourable Order of the Garter," said a spokes-stooge for Buckingham Palace.

"Clearly, he's the exactly the kind of disgrace who should never in a million years get the Order of the Garter, and he would be wholly incapable of commanding any fleet of ships or regiment in combat.

"It makes you wonder why our monarchs hand out high and mighty positions to relatives who don't deserve them and are so laughably ill-suited to the roles they're pretending to fill.

"Well, the Royal Family has learned its lesson with the unperson Andrew and won't be carrying on with this pantomime any longer.

"Just kidding.

"In fact, we've just made dear little Prince Louis Honorary Nuclear Warhead in Chief, meaning from now he'll attend parades in a white titanium uniform and explosive bearskin hat."

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More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing ‘increasingly concerned’ about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.

‘Is it too much to ask?’ a spokesman said. ‘All we want is a couple of rapes and maybe a terror attack once a fortnight. Just enough to keep the membership growing. You can’t expect people to turn out every weekend, shouting at hotels, if there haven’t been any crimes committed’.

Nigel Farage is understood to be ‘baffled’ by the low crime figures, given the number of ‘men of fighting age’ he has pointed at over the years. ‘What’s wrong with them?’ the spokesman added. ‘It’s almost as if they aren’t terrorists after all’.

In other news, the latest violent incident appears to have been carried out by British men, causing racists to mutter ‘oh, for f*ck’s sake’ under their breath.

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Britain’s royalty now safely back to being a bunch of bores, says Palace

"The royal family have stripped their wayward relative of his titles and exiled him to obscurity in the maddeningly flat fastness of Norfolk," announced a spokes-flunkey for Buckingham Palace.

"And having scuttled for cover by pretending he no longer exists, it is now their dearest wish to return to being a family of dull people with very boring thoughts and pursuits and nothing to say unless it has been written down for them to read out.

"From time to time, mavericks crop up in this venerable, vapid family - such as the Duke of Windsor, Princess Margaret, Diana, Meghan and Harry - who occasionally make for entertaining copy in the newspapers.

"However, the system always finds some way of driving these deviants into the wilderness - or the grave - so that the monarchy can resume its historic role of being Britain's leading set of bland, inoffensive sloths.

"God save the Sloth King, and God help Mr Andrew!"

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