Melania rounded up by ICE agents

In a surprise move, ICE agents have raided President Trump’s compound in Mar-a-Lago and led away his third wife Melania in handcuffs.

'A common way illegals try to stay in this country is through fake marriages,' explained new ICE recruit Dean Cain, best known for having played Superman on TV in the 90s. 'We’re pretty sure that’s what’s going on here.

'I’ve watched a lot of footage of them together, and I can’t see any evidence they feel anything for each other. It’s nearly as unconvincing as when Teri Hatcher had to pretend to be interested in me.

'We have evidence of numerous affairs on the husband’s part, not to mention his visits to Epstein Island, and God knows what went on there. And by God, I mean the Justice Department, though obviously you didn’t hear that from me - officially there’s not enough evidence to prove anything.'

Melania herself didn’t seem averse to being deported - indeed she surprised agents by having a suitcase already packed. 

'Oh no,' she told them, 'you mean I’ll be sent home and never see him again? And just when my monthly conjugal obligations were coming up. Just my luck.'

'Frankly we’re also interested in the husband,' continued Officer Cain. 'We know his family’s originally from Germany, though at some point they changed their name from Drumpf to put us off the scent. So we’re gonna be looking into…

At this point he was led away by his supervisor, who was then overheard saying to him, 'Come on Cain, it’s just blacks and Hispanics - do I have to spell everything out for you?'

Image credit: perchance.org

Trump throws a sickie

The White House has published a note, apparently written by the President's mum, keeping Trump off work for another day.

'Donald has a poorly tum and his bone spurs are playing up,' says the note.  'Plus, some naughty boys in the press corps keep shouting names at him.  Names like Epstein and Andrew.'

The note concludes that 'Donald will be back at work once a full pardon is announced.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Labour to rename Asylum Seeking as Emergency Holibobs

A Labour spokesperson today has announced plans for the renaming of the process of seeking asylum as 'Emergency Holibobs' and of asylum seekers as 'Unexpected Campers'. An unconfirmed source also said there were plans to rename asylum hotels as 'Hi-de-hi Holibobs Camps'.

'It is clear the British public are seeking clarification around the process of seeking asylum; those seeking it; and what we can afford to extend to them during their temporary stay', said Felicity Rhodia, the newly crowned Emergency Holibob Chief Yellow Coat. 'We can confirm today the change in nomenclature to engender a less confrontational set of terms that will hopefully puncture the current atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Hi de hi, campers!'

New services for Unexpected Campers will extend to ballroom dancing tuition; talent competitions; local excursions to volunteer for fruit picking and manual labour; and shuffleboard.

Ms Rhodia concluded, 'Come on everyone, let's make the best of fleeing for your life in terror!'

Image credit: perchance.org