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A dark defection

-There was widespread shock and disbelief today as Satan announced that he was defecting from Hell.


'I know Hades has been the traditional Opposition to Heaven since time immemorial, but I didn’t really believe that our policies went far enough, and it felt like we were never going to get into power,” said the notorious fallen angel.


“Essentially we were just a rag-tag band of outrageous musicians, defrocked priests and ex-TV presenters,' continued the Dark Lord. 'It didn’t feel like we were a serious outfit actually prepared to take over the running of things. The idea of working with Nigel Farage, the Orange Anti-Christ emulator, and disgraced Tories whose sexual deviancy, dishonesty and venal corruption was too much even for the extreme-right of the Conservative Party to tolerate has been quite a temptation for rather a long time – and, as you know, temptation is my stock-in-trade.'


Polishing his trident, and with a glint in his eye, he added, 'But the opportunity to work with Robert Jenrick - the man who ordered the painting over of cartoon murals at a child asylum unit - lest they should make frightened and lonely children feel comforted - was just too good a chance to miss.'


He sat back in his throne and grimaced with satisfaction. 'So Reform felt like a natural – well, preternatural – move for me. Suella Braverman was just the icing on the cake.'



Image credit: perchance.org


Activists hack online text-based applications, replacing the word ‘Trump’ with ‘Fart’


The internet was briefly plunged into chaos earlier today after an anonymous group of activists successfully hacked online text-based applications worldwide, causing every instance of the word ‘Trump’ to be automatically replaced with the word ‘Fart’. The edit came with an added flourish: a thunderous farting sound blasting from phones, laptops, e-readers, and even office printers.


The hack spared no one - social media posts, news articles, legal briefs and even children’s homework erupted in synchronized flatulence. Across the world, buses, trains, shopping malls and even libraries reverberated with a chorus of loud, wet fart noises, which sounded as if they had been recorded during a gastrointestinal emergency.


The situation reached DEFCON brown when President Trump attempted to condemn the hack via his platform, Truth Social. Instead of a stern rebuke, his followers were greeted with a post which read: “Fart, fart, FART, fart, FAKE NEWS, fart, fart, BIGLY FART,” each word accompanied by the deafening sound of explosive diarrhoea, which reportedly caused several phones to vibrate off tables. Supporters described Trump’s post as ‘surprising, but on-brand’.


The activists later issued a statement explaining that the stunt was designed to ‘illustrate, in the simplest possible terms, that President Trump talks out of his anus and is full of crap’. Many political commentators praised the group for ‘effectively matching tone to content’.

Although cybersecurity experts quickly fixed the breach and restored the word ‘Trump’ to its less flatulent spelling, critics argue that the damage lingers. “The hack is gone,” one observer said, “but Trump’s words still carry a persistent whiff of bullshit.”



Official Russian death toll in Ukraine rises to three


The Russian defence ministry has dismissed 'outrageous claims' from the Centre for Strategic Studies that the Russian army has lost 1.2 million troops in the special military operation in Ukraine.


A spokesman confirmed, 'Only three Russian soldiers have died, and in each case it was their own fault.  One other soldier has injured his leg after slipping in some mud, in a trap set up by saboteurs.  Beyond that, everything continues to go very well indeed. As you Yankees say, we're having a blast.'



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