US concern as Whitehouse found listed on Rightmove

'I knew Trump had ordered some modifications,' said a US government spokesman, 'but I hadn't anticipated him listing the Whitehouse for sale'.  The Rightmove listing describes the building as being 'ripe for updating' and 'suitable for a keen DIYer'.  The listing asks for offers in the region of '$20 billion' and says 'Bitcoin preferred'.

'It's suffered some structural damage in recent days,' noted an estate agent, 'but it's recently had an updated patio area.  The internal decor is considered a tad garish, but easily rectified,' he added.

'I was considering putting in a low-ball offer,' said a Wigan-based property developer, 'but I've heard some very negative reviews about Washington DC from none other than the US President,' he said today.

image from google gemini

Manhunt for asylum seeker nets six suspects who aren't him

A manhunt launched to catch an Ethiopian asylum seeker who escaped from prison has successfully rounded up six suspects who are nothing like him.

"We were told to put the dangerous sex offender on a plane to Addis Ababa," said prison service director Derek Blunder, "but we somehow got the order muddled up and released him with £1,000 pocket money and directions to an agreeable pizza restaurant and the railway station.

"We then put a dragnet over the whole of the UK to catch him - which we didn't, because we're so useless.

"However, we did manage to round up Shergar, Mata Hari, Frida Kahlo, Lord Lucan and Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men.

"We'll be passing them onto the police at Charing Cross station to fit up for random crimes. Then we'll put them in prison for life before releasing them all by mistake, as well."

The Justice Secretary ordered HM Prison Service bosses to lock themselves up for gross incompetence, but they said they had lost the key.

image from gemini.google.com

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Second House of Commons may be needed

We’ve all had that useless colleague, the one who swans about looking and sounding important but never does any actual fecking work.

For more than a century, Britain has had a special warehouse to store the worst examples, safely keeping them away from the workplace. Located in central London, the House of Commons has brought relief to hundreds of businesses over the years.

‘I didn’t realise how much she was pecking at my head,' said Jenny, a sales manager from Wolverhampton. ‘Then she got this ‘job’ as a – get this – Member of Parliament (hashtag made-up-jobs) – and swanned off. It was like a weight being lifted. The company’s doing really well now.'

Sadly, with the rise in access to higher education and crap TV like Love Island, the nation is teeming with useless people, and 650 places is nowhere near enough. Plans are under way to build a second House of Commons to house the useless. Possible sites include Cardiff, Edinburgh and Epping.

Last word goes to ‘Robert’ (his real name), one of the warehoused useless people: ‘We do really vital work here. I like pointing at cartoons and ordering them to be painted over to make children cry, but I also fight crime with a video camera. We’re all in different gangs. My gang’s the best. If I can make enough children cry, then they’ll make me the leader of the gang, and I’ll be able to make speeches on telly instead of Twitter. I don’t miss having a job, this is way better. On Thursdays, we have sponge cake and custard.'

Image credit: Wix AI