top of page
Search

US death penalty expanded to include crucifixion


The United States has added crucifixion to the methods of killing human beings in the name of justice. The move addresses criticism that electrocution, poison gas and lethal injection are not sufficiently barbaric for the moralistic, evangelical supporters of the death penalty.


‘Nailing criminals to crosses and leaving them to die in horrific pain is what a modern civilised society demands’ said a Department of Justice official.


Democrats were also supportive of crucifixion for certain felons, especially those who pretend to be Jesus.




Social media influencers sent to make peace deal with Iran


"We figured that negotiations in Islamabad would go nowhere if left solely in the hands of witless Steve Witkoff and that idiot princeling, Jared Kushner," said a US State Department source.


"That's why we've sent along a team of fake-tanned female TikTok influencers. I mean, why not give it a try? They've all made fortunes peddling snake oil to teenagers. Maybe they can sell a deal to the Iranians which will re-open the Strait of Hormuz."


"Who are we meeting?" asked beauty products influencer Sharon from Basildon, cluelessly. "Some bloke called Mohammad-Bagher Ghalibaf?"


"Crazy name, crazy guy!" interjected bottle-blonde Karen from New Jersey. "I'll start off by selling him this $20.99 beard trimmer and some smashed avocado hair tonic, then he'll be putty in my Gen Z hands."


"We abhor these degenerate Western influencers!" ranted a spokesman for the Islamic Republic. "To us, they are 'sinfluencers'- nothing but a bunch of filthy whores and Jezebels!


"How much do they charge for a night?"




World 'couldn't give a stuff' about Trump anymore


'I know I should care, he's got the nuclear codes, he's a fruitcake, he's destroying world alliances and it's pretty obvious he's manipulating financial markets for himself and his family,' said the leader of a major European country, 'but honestly, I couldn't give a flying f@ck anymore,' he added.


World leaders have come to realise that kow-towing to the Trump administration doesn't insulate their countries from his erratic herky-jerky mood swings.  Bucking him does result in enormous sanctions on products US citizens want or need to buy, making it harder for them.  For the countries impacted as an exporter it is becoming increasingly obvious that there is a queue of relatively stable countries waiting to take the US share, more if you include the relatively unstable but financially flush countries.  'So, no great shakes there,' said another world leader.


Assassination attempts have been discounted as they would probably trip over fake assassination attempts and someone could get hurt. The wrong person, presumably.  Not the person with the nuclear codes.   


'We can't kill him, but we can ignore him,' said a World leader.  'But I suppose we could release these Epstein files that I found on my desk this morning,' he suggested.




bottom of page