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Josef Fritzl to stand as a Reform UK MP


Rumours abound that Josef Fritzl, the convicted rapist and Vincent Price lookalike, who fathered seven children by his own daughter, could stand for Reform UK at the next election.


A spokesman for Reform told Newsbiscuit, "Mr Fritzl is currently in a prison for ‘mentally abnormal’ inmates, so sounds incredibly well qualified to represent our party in Parliament."


"Despite the fact that he is Austrian, it is understood that Fritzl is considering applying for UK citizenship and is expected to arrive on a small boat in the early hours of next Wednesday morning."


Depraved individual, suspected nazi, and a generally horrible person, Nigel Farage was unavailable for comment.




Oil firms voice concern that Strait of Hormuz may reopen


"Since the US and Israel started bombing Iran, and Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz to oil traffic," said a spokes-louse for the world's leading energy companies, "we have seen the price of crude increase by 50% and the price of petrol also soar.


"Purely by coincidence, this is boosting our revenues to frankly obscene levels.


"Our greatest fear now is that peace may break out and Iran will reopen the Strait of Hormuz, thereby replenishing oil supplies, bringing prices back to normal and stripping us of all our undeserved profits.


"This would means two fewer skiing holiday a year for each of our pampered executives and their families, and a kilogramme less bling for their mistresses.


"We therefore give our full blessing to those latter day prophets Benjamin Netanyahu and Donald Trump to keep smiting their enemies in this holy war," said the spoke-leach.


"And may they, in return, allow us to do the Lord's work in robbing all you suckers blind at the pump.


"After all, if God didn't want us to shear you, he wouldn't have made you motorised sheep."




Khamanei’s son ditches playboy lifestyle to become Ayatollah


Following his father's death, Mojtaba Khamenei - Mojito to his friends - has been forced to abandon his playboy lifestyle to become the new Ayatollah and Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran.


”I guess I always knew it couldn’t go on forever,” he said ruefully, speaking on Zoom to a reporter from Condé Nast Traveller from his penthouse in the Palm Jumeirah. “Only last week I was doing lines of coke off a hooker’s ass along with Don Trump junior, Netanyahu’s son and some tech bros I met on a certain Caribbean island. But even then I was wondering whether it might not be time to settle down, let the old beard grow out a bit, get a nice place in the country etc.


”Or, as it turns out, become the supreme leader of a theocratic fascist state that beats women to death for not covering their heads in public. Funny how life works out, eh?”


Asked whether his former lifestyle might not be a problem with Iran’s more conservative clerics, Khamenei winked and said “What happens in Dubai stays in Dubai, am I right?


A spokesman for Khamenei said he should be able to move back to Iran in a week or two, to give him time to settle a few casino debts, sell the Lambos and get every lap dancer in town to sign a non-disclosure agreement.


”Put it this way - he’ll be there before any British warships arrive in Cyprus.”




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