China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

"It's the bigliest meeting ever in the history of bigly meetings," boasted Donald Trump on board Hot Air Force One.

"I slashed the rates on all my tariffs on China and, in return, Mr Xi said he might stop refusing to sell us his rare earth metals. But he didn't actually agree to anything on paper because ironing out the details was too boring for me.

"Then he said he might think about helping to end the war in Ukraine by maybe talking to Putin about it some time in the future if he managed not to forget - and that's a great diplomatic victory by me.

"But best of all, Mr Xi definitely signed a contract to buy some sacks of soybeans from a bunch of US farmers with MAGA hats and pick-up trucks.

"In three months' time, we'll be buying them all back in the form of premium-priced soy sauce and tofu.

"I am the the greatest diplomat ever!" bellowed Trump, doing a pratfall down the aeroplane steps, "because I pulled off the greatest soybean deal in history!"

"Who said President Trump is doing international diplomacy on 'easy mode'?" croaked White House spokes-toadie Karoline Leavitt.

"It's really tricky handling all those buttons when you have such tiny little fingers."

image from gemini google

Government miss 1.5million housing target by 1.6million

Nothing could hide the government's embarrassment, when they discovered they had less houses then when they started. The Minister explained. "Once we'd factored in all the repossessions and accidently demolishing a few, it turns out were missing around 100,000 – it's possible they might have ended up as landfill.

"Coupled with the PM's houses being set on fire by Ukrainian male escorts – all whom Sir Keir has no knowledge of whatsoever, I cannot emphasize that enough. Once those young lads had finished their random acts of unmotivated arson, well, that was at least two more gone.

"And who knows where they might strike again? Seriously, if we burn down every home belonging to a Cabinet Minister who'd had a bit of hanky panky or had housed Prince Andrew and Jeffery Epstein – well we'd all be homeless."

image from pixabay

Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store.

A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic.

‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British Farmers’ they may have omitted the words ‘Into A Corner’. We fear that their flag waving is more about extracting cash from customers than it is about patriotism.

'The Council has taken steps to paint over flags on mini-roundabouts and to take down flags on lamp posts. We are nothing if not fair, so we are telling Aldi that they need to take their flags down too – to waive the flags, if you like. 

'Don’t say we haven’t got a sense of humour.'

Picture credit: Wix AI