Trump’s tariff alchemy

After imposing tariffs of 50% on imports of steel, copper and aloominum, Donald Trump has announced generous new federal grants for alchemists.

Alchemists will be able to get grant funding to research how to turn base metal into steel, copper and aloominum. They will also qualify for 200% tax write-offs on all business expenses, including political donations.

The President has imposed tariffs on metal imports in order to boost domestic production, despite the fact that the USA does not have any significant deposits of iron, copper or aloominum. So alchemy could provide a solution. He has told America’s top universities (except Harvard) that all will be forgiven if their research can support domestic metal production.

Social scientists will also be able to access the funding, if their research can find a way of turning base Democrats into Republicans.

Man accused of reading Terms and conditions on a website

Graham Morgan, 59, has admitted in court to reading the terms and conditions for his supermarket app.  He asked the court to take into consideration thirty other sets of 'Ts & Cs' ranging from his BT online webpage to checking out the CeeBeebees webpage terms 'before letting my granddaughter near them'.  He admits his actions are unreasonable.

Website and app Terms and Conditions, AKA Ts & Cs, are reams of electronic pages of meaningless legal mumbo jumbo not intended to be read by anyone.  Notionally they exist to allow every website a user glances past the right to extract any data about the user with a view to sell said data and/or collaborate in the ransacking of their bank accounts.  There are usually standard clauses to claim exclusive rights to first-born children and blanket statements absolving them of any responsibility for anything, anywhere, ever.

Before sentencing, Morgan stated that most of the Ts & Cs he had read included a minimum of five virtual pages stating 'blah, blah, blah...' in blocks of twenty-eight 'blahs' per paragraph and the final sentence, just above the statement insisting that the reader pushes the 'I agree' button, reads 'We reserve the right to add in anything we think of here before, during or after the pressing of the "I Agree" button, and failure to push said button will result in your hard drive being reformatted.'

Sentencing has been delayed while lawyers representing Morgan pour over the sentencing Ts & Cs.  It's expected they'll just push the 'I Agree' button before they get a quarter-way through.

BBC and Met Office kiss and make up

After eight years of 'will they, won't they', 'on-off' drama, typical of a national weather forecaster, the fractured relationship between the Met Office and the BBC has apparently been healed.

'The Met Office was too woke and apparently voted Remain,' said a BBC spokesman. 'But now they have turned their back on DEI, pronouns and weather reports that aren't newsworthy we've decided to kiss and make up,' he added.

A Met Office Spokesperson appeared to have a different view of the monumental reunion. 'We felt the BBC was presenting a warm front, was handling high pressure well and we understood they regretted voting to Leave,' he/she said. 'We have agreed to sex the weather report up a bit, but only if they return our Velcro weather symbols to front and centre of the weather report,' the spokesperson said, tightening his/her tie while straightening his/her skirt. 'At least cardboard weather symbols are gender neutral, unlike that macho AI inspired CGI rubbish,' he/she added.

'And apparently, tonight, for the first time, just about half past ten, for the first time in history it's gonna start raining cis gender males.'

There are rumours that the relationship might be more off than on. Cardboard Velcro-backed dark clouds might be gathering.

Image: Abid Shah (@abid_ahmad_shah) | Unsplash Photo Community