Trump imposes tariffs on himself

Donald Trump has decided to impose a $1bn tariff on himself.

In a move showing the ultimate patriotism, the US president says he personally must pay the sum each time he travels abroad.

“It’s a big, beautiful piece of legislation,” Trump told a Republican rally.

“When this guy Trump, who’s actually nasty, visits another country, he’s gonna have to pay this beautiful fee.

“We’ve relied for too long on presidents whose mothers were born abroad. Now we’re fighting back.”

The shock moves comes in the midst of a legal battle of Trump’s plan to impose tariffs on countries such as China.

Leaked reports suggest one idea was to build a wall around the White House. However, it was deemed “too light and fluffy” by Pentagon officials.

Crowds at the rally reacted positively to the tariff plan, with one section chanting: “Lock him up! Lock him up!”

image from pixabay

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Scottish tea fraudster ran other scams

The international criminal mastermind behind Scottish tea that was actually from Africa is implicated in a number of other scams.

Police say that they are investigating the activities of a number of related companies.

The Extremely Scottish Moray Mango company supplied fruit to exclusive hotels and resorts, including restaurants at Donald Trump's Turnberry golf club. Suspicions were aroused when the mangoes arrived in tins.

In another investigation, the accused claimed that The Scottish Unicorn Milk Mozzarella Company was only ever intended as a joke. Company records showed sales exceeding a million pounds, mostly to America.

The Extremely Old Heritage and Very Vintage Scottish Whisky Company was found to be passing off 'scot-ish wisky' from a discount store that had been rebottled and labelled as a 450-year-old malt that was 210° proof. Scottish Police say that they have seized all remaining stocks and are subjecting them to thorough testing.

'It's amazing what people will fall for,' said the local Reform MP.

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

American Pi

'If those goddamn interfering Euroland bureaucrat busybodies can change the inch to 25.4mm exactly, just to make their sums a bit easier, then we in the free world - i.e., not in the republic of Eurolandshire - can do the same.

'As from tomorrow, Pi in America will be 3.142 - precisely.  No ifs, no buts.  No more of this never-ending number of decimal places or 'irrational number' bollosck.  Irrational numbers are just that - irrational. Which means 'lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence' and 'not endowed with reason or understanding'.  We're going to fix that.

'The next thing we'll sort out is Plank's constant.  At 6.62607015 × 10-34 m2 kg / s, it's so small, it's not worth bothering with, and anyway it's metric, so it's got to be rubbish.  So we'll just abolish it, and save a ton of money.  No, not a tonne, just a good, straight ton.  Of US dollars, obviously.

'But e is a bit bigger - a more sensible size.  It just needs tidying up a bit.  2.718 should work just fine.  (Who the Hell is Euler?  Another goddamn foreigner from Europland?  You might want e to have a different value, but that's just Europinion.  We in America believe in democracy, i.e., doing whatever democratically-elected I - decide.)

'But the biggest and greatest, of course, will be the Golden Ratio, which I have decided will bea nice, round 1.6180 exactly.  Well, until I change my mind again.

Picture credit: Wix AI