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UK temperatures set to exceed Corfu next week - according to MSM



Get your sun block ready, the temperature in parts of the UK - not your part, obviously, it never is - are set to exceed those in Corfu next week. 


Admittedly Corfu is looking like it is in line for a sh!t week weatherwise, but the point of dramatic headlines isn't to inform, it's to encourage click bait.  So hunt out those hot links, click like there is no tomorrow (which was last week's big headline and very nearly came true) and stock up on Viagra, soft porn and those amazing chairs that lift you up to a standing position with no obvious way of supporting yourself once there.  Don't forget to use your bank card details.


ByBit robbers foiled, as crypto coins are imaginary, Stupid



The theft of $1.5bn of crypto currency had raised concern, until everyone calmed down and remembered it was all make-believe. Explained an economist: 'It's like Santa or a politician with integrity, none of it is real. It's as if they have stolen Jesus' signed photo of the Yeti, it's not there to begin with.'



While $1.5bn of nothing is a sizable chunk of nothing, it is still nothing. Ironically, the only people who seem upset by the theft are crypto-traders - which is not a real job to begin with. By contrast gold is very real - unless of course you are in Fort Knox, where all the gold has been replaced by the Aliens from Roswell.



'For the criminals, they have the unenviable task of counting all their imagery loot. I mean, where do you start? What happens if you miss a bit? How would you know? Try smelting down invisible loot, it's hard. Now, if ByBit were smart they should just claim they have stolen it back. Who would know?'


Image: WixAI

Trump now “a glowing orange eye” on top of Trump Tower



White House staff unable to find the dealmaker in chief, and worried what he might get up to if left unsupervised, were initially relieved to hear he’d been spotted.


However, they were less pleased to hear he is now manifesting as a glowing orange eye on top of Trump Tower in New York, from which he can see both the Canadian and Mexican borders to check the tariffs are being applied.


Initial reports suggests that, although Trump can no longer take physical form (which the First Lady describes as “really no problem at all, honestly”) he has poured all his malice, his cruelty and his will to dominate into an unconvincing straw-coloured wig, which cannot be destroyed by any conventional means. An attempt to burn it only resulted in the appearance of glowing characters around the rim.


”It is the language of Mordor-a-Lago, which I will not utter here,” said a White House staffer. “But in the common tongue it says 


One wig to rule them all


One wig to find them


Which we will, by the way, we have the best people, really terrific people, everybody says so…


before it runs out of room.”


The only hope of the free peoples of Middle America is that the wig be taken to Cape Canaveral, where it may be destroyed in the resulting fireball the next time Elon Musk tries to launch anything. 


image from pixabay


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