Endangered species 'have only themselves to blame' say scientists

A shocking new report has revealed most animals go extinct because they're "lazy, incompetent, or too cowardly to put up a fight against predators". Zoologist Alan King has been studying the lifestyles of hundreds of species that have disappeared, beginning with the dodo. "Diet, exercise, you name it - all atrocious. Frankly, most of them had it coming", he says. "It's time we stopped mollycoddling shiftless wildlife".

David Attenborough admits he has reluctantly come to the same conclusion: "What these protected species types need is a kick up the arse", he says. "I'm getting tired of speaking up for fussy pandas and pampered overfed whales". The government has taken his advice to move all rare bat species into a Liverpool council estate, where they'll "learn the hard facts about survival of the fittest".

Meanwhile, Jeremy Kyle plans to host a show with vulnerable animals whose global numbers have shrunk to single figures. There they'll face a lynch-mob audience and be subjected to lie detector tests about their breeding habits and allegations of selling their body parts as aphrodisiacs. "For those who fail the test, there's a barbecue fired up and waiting round the back of the studio", he warns. There is to be a tie-in with Jamie Oliver, whose next publication will be The Great Big Extinct Species Cookbook.

Photo by Christoph Schmid on Unsplash

BBC to be funded by Twitter Verified status

With the licence fee unlikely to be extended beyond FY 26/27, the BBC is searching for ways to fund itself.  'Obviously advertising isn't going to work,' a corporation spokesman stated, noting the decline in advertising revenue globally that would only be diluted by the BBC entering the party.  It was thought that making the taxpayer fund the broadcaster was the solution - practically the same as a licence fee but just not pretending the licence isn't a tax.  But then it was noted that Sky owner, Rupert Murdoch, appeared to support the idea.  'So that's off the table, then,' said the spokesman.

A subscription model has been discussed, but it is thought to be as successful as running a Premier football team without a shady oligarch funding the 95% shortfall in costs being covered, or not covered, by ticket sales.  'Shame really, as some of our staff are paid like Premier League footballers, especially as some of them used to be Premier League footballers,' he added.

'We did consider the GB News model - spout fascist propaganda 24/7, employ horrible, nasty presenters and market mainly hate, but to be fair Laura Kuenssberg is already filling that role and then you're back to the 95% of costs needed to be covered by a shady oligarch,' he said.

'So, we've decided to invest £8 a month for a verified blue tick - it actually wasn't the BBC who got the verified tick, it was a made up person called @brian0999945733745 who got it - and all our content is going to run on Twitter and Musk will pay, pay, pay,' said the Spokesman.  

'We're not doing it on Facebook, though.  That would be really lowering ourselves.  We've got standards,' he lied.

Were you a victim of storm Eowyn?

With Storm Eowyn battering the UK, it’s never too early to think about how you can get compensation out of it. Eowyn can be your friend and you can get free money and that’s the best sort of money.

First, Power, are there power lines down in your area, has your electricity shut off?

Don’t worry about those guys outside your window dangling from cherry pickers or ladders’ risking their lives to restore the power, time is money - and it's not time's money, it's yours.

Get your clock out, your stopwatch, a sun dial, even an egg timer, log exactly to the second how long you were without electricity. The longer the time, the bigger the claim. You could be sunning yourself in Corfu on the proceeds and most important of all, remember, you are entitled.

Putting in your claim is often the best part. Call handlers may try to ask you to e mail them your compensation claim, don’t fall for it. Shout, scream down the telephone, abuse them and threaten them. Tell them you want your money and you want it now, a cheeky little death threat can work wonders.

Travel can also be a lucrative source of Compo. You wanted to take a train to work but the Train operators decided being snowflakes that it was too dangerous to run the service. Make them pay.

The fact that you were under your table crying and begging for help when the storm raged is irrelevant. You had a ticket but instead of driving the train ,risking derailment ,drivers thinking only of themselves were warm and snug at home, just lazy and you can claim more lovely compo.

Author: tonymc

Image: Mohamed_hassan - Pixabay