Dodgy salesman feels stupid now

Dave (34) is a salesman. He’s always believed himself to be adept at straddling the boundary between truth and bullsh!t, keeping his claims credible so he can close the sale.

‘I genuinely believed that customers would show me the door if I said something ridiculous’, he told reporters. ‘Like claiming that our double glazing will cure cancer, or generate limitless wealth, or telling a dissatisfied customer that their condensation is caused by immigrants. I just thought people had some common sense. Having seen the rise of Trump and Reform, I feel a bit silly now’.

Dave is one of a growing number of sales professionals (we use the term loosely) who have started to question their very existence. ‘How did we not know this?’, he asked us. ‘I’ve done sales training, I even read a book once – nobody ever told me you can tell literal fairy tales and people will still bite’.

Dave is now undergoing training in post-truth sales techniques. ‘The important thing is to have a hate figure. I’m going with “sash windows are woke” as a starting point. I’ve had some success telling people that sash windows cause pronouns. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what a pronoun is, but I know they’re bad’.

At this stage it’s unclear whether politics is the new double-glazing or vice versa, but we’re pretty sure we’re all f*cked!

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Defence Review Promises More Peashooters to Isle of Wight

In a seismic shake-up to defence of the island, Defence Secretary John Healey today promised that the Isle of Wight would see an increase to its capabilities through the delivery of more peashooters and catapults.

At the Shanklin Home Armed Guard, platoon leader Captain Wilson was delighted to hear the news, remarking, "Currently our sea defences are Big John with a bucket of rocks. While he can thrown them impressively far, like past the sandbank far, being able to add the local Scouts and Guides as a second line of defence will be a further deterrent to anyone thinking of invading our land. We've had them keep the grey squirrels out for over a century now, so I'm confident any Russian Destroyers sailing through the channel will think twice before straying from the shipping lanes once they see Akela and her special forces keeping watch at The Needles."

The Isle of Wight navy were also overjoyed that their fleet would be faster after all the clothing gifted to Sir Keir Starmer by Lord Alli had been turned into sailcloths and used to upgrade the Sea Cadets' dinghies.

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Trump imposes tariffs on himself

Donald Trump has decided to impose a $1bn tariff on himself.

In a move showing the ultimate patriotism, the US president says he personally must pay the sum each time he travels abroad.

“It’s a big, beautiful piece of legislation,” Trump told a Republican rally.

“When this guy Trump, who’s actually nasty, visits another country, he’s gonna have to pay this beautiful fee.

“We’ve relied for too long on presidents whose mothers were born abroad. Now we’re fighting back.”

The shock moves comes in the midst of a legal battle of Trump’s plan to impose tariffs on countries such as China.

Leaked reports suggest one idea was to build a wall around the White House. However, it was deemed “too light and fluffy” by Pentagon officials.

Crowds at the rally reacted positively to the tariff plan, with one section chanting: “Lock him up! Lock him up!”

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit,com