Scientists have announced success in developing a blood test alerting people that they have the early but unmistakable signs of diseases for which there is currently no known cure. The test requires a mere prick of a finger and then a terrifying 5 day wait for lab results that could put a real crimp in the rest of your days.
‘This test marks a new high watermark in scaring people witless,’ said a white coat set to cream millions when the developers, Skull&Bones Pharminc, goes public next Friday the 13th. ‘We are at the cutting edge of knowing almost by looking at people as they enter the lab whether they will get something terminal before their time. Come on down,’ he added, wagging a finger.
Up until now, most people had been able to go about their lives in comparative ignorance of their ultimate fate, putting off thoughts of death until as late as possible. Happily, those days are over. From next month, for $666, science will tell you how and when you will die, and that they can’t do jack to help. ‘I can hardly wait to learn at an early stage whether I might one day have something incurably terminal,’ said a still youngish man with unhealthy habits.
But others have expressed a note of caution. ‘There are still other incurable diseases for which we haven’t yet developed an early stage blood test,’ remarked that white coat. ‘When that becomes available, only then will we be able to fully and comprehensively terrify the public.’ The ultimate goal, he concluded, is to present mothers of new born children a definite timeline for their child’s death.
