The miracle weight loss pill, adopted by ordinary people as well as presenters on The View, has been credited with obliterating millions of tons of human fat since it hit the market this year. But the glories of feeling lighter for tens of thousands of people unable to afford the waiting time for gastric band surgery on the NHS have come at a cost. Side effects now include articles about the side effects.
'Every day for the last month,' reveals Spicer Kane, media analyst at Grange&Sh$w Anallipticals, there has been at least one new article about the side effects of taking Ozempic. 'This has led to an overall increase in anxiety about taking the drug and discouraged many more who would have taken it from doing so. As a result, these people are binge-eating to mask their fears.' In other words, Ozempic is causing a huge rise in obesity.
'For every weird-faced celeb in the Daily Mail boasting about being able to see their genitals for the first time, there are at least several people in Aldi stocking up on refined sugar baps. They read the articles about the side effects and reach for processed donut batter.' Side effects of taking the drug include no breakfast-induced hind shaking, dizziness at bus stops, and nearer proximity to death.
Newspapers up and down the land are taking apparent daily glee in covering Ozempic's side effects. Just yesterday, the Express reported on a man in Canterbury whose constipation caused him to yell 'shit!' during an opera, while the Mirror related the story of a woman whose kidney thought it was her heart and started drawing blood from her veins. Even the Telegraph, which for years ignored health and wellbeing stories as beneath its readership's higher interest, has a whole new section entitled, Ozempic Side Effects, with sub sections for Asia, Europe, the Americas, Ukraine, and Women.
Ozempic claim that the side effects of taking their product are being exaggerated by a food industry intent on the enfattification of mankind, 'especially Greggs.' 'If the articles do not cease', warned a company spokesperson, 'we will take steps to further research the product and decrease the number of known side effects, a result which could harm its takers' sense of the gains possible from embarking on a serious risk, thus decreasing the number of users and leading to an increase in obesity.'
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