Man with rare condition amazes doctors after gene therapy

'The improvement is miraculous,' said a handsome doctor in a suspiciously clean white coat. 'The patient has a rare condition that causes indecision, mendacity, randiness, a god complex, and uncontrollable hair.

'After receiving our expert and expensive therapies, he can now construct an apology and appear to mean it. He can manifest fairly normal hair, and he's stopped trying to shag anything in a skirt. But he still lapses into cod Latin when he's under stress, and he still can't understand science.

'His treatment means that he does now recognise the enormous damage he did to the economy, the country, his families, and the health service. But he has shown no remorse and doesn't feel the need to make amends. So although our therapy has many positive aspects, it isn't yet perfect.

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Now Birmingham’s rats come out on strike

Rats in Birmingham have gone on strike in support of striking agency workers called in to clear the garbage left by striking council refuse officers ahead of a new team of agency workers hired to clear the backlog left by the previous teams until they too say enough is enough, everybody out.

'Basically, if there’s a strike by anyone that prolongs the amount of time rubbish is left on the street, then we support it,' said Rodney Rattus, president of the Rats union Norvegicus. 'But this is going too far. Our members don’t know whether they’re coming or going. Not only that, we are concerned at some of the choices the public are making. Our members thrive on "best after" dates, not "best before". We’ve noticed that some people are throwing away food that is in date and is more or less fresh. This won’t do at all.'

Polishing off a cluster of bluebottles on his whiskers with one swift move of his tongue, he added: 'People forget that rats have families too. A growing rat needs at least six Domino’s boxes, with the pizza edges inside, a day. And the average rat can eat three times its own weight in maggots, just for breakfast.'

Meanwhile, Professor Elaine Empathy from Birmingham University’s Department of Anthropomorphology dismissed Rattus’ statement, saying, 'For a start rats can’t talk.' But off-camera, microphones pick her up leaning over a broken bin bag cooing 'What have you got there then my little popsy, who’s a clever little ratty ratty ratty-poos, oh he’s such a handsome fellow, oh yes you are, oh yes you are…'

Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash

UK Gammon Index rising faster than Global Warming

UK researchers into rage hate, commonly referred to as the UK Gammon Index (UKGI), have reported it is rising faster than Global Warming, which in itself is a common driver of the UKGI whenever mentioned. 'We might be in a spiralling feedback loop,' said one researcher, adding, 'no, I don't know what that means either'.

With Poppy Rage currently overtaking the traditional rage about fireworks being set off early for Bonfire night, with the concurrent rage over whether it should be named Guy Fawkes' night adding to the mix. Christmas Rage, a relatively recent rage made worse by reference to 'the Holiday Season' is bending the UKGI gauge to breaking point.

'Monitoring UK rage just makes me mad,' said the researcher, turning bright red, banging his fist on the table and filling in an application to join Reform in crayon. Which, of course, he ate in a fit of rage.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive