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TitusScam Homeopathic Wellfullness Tablets

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These are supplied - eventually - probably, and at additional cost - in the form of an empty box which used to contain the tablets.  However they are about to be superseded by a mega-powerful new treatment, which we can prove is definitely even more effective because it's far more expensive.  This consists of an empty box which used to contain tablets made from the boxes which used to contain early versions of the homeopathic wellfullness tablets.


Our researchers (who are homeopathic scientists, i.e., people who know someone who know someone else whose great-grandfather's next-door neighbour's milkman's brother-in-law always wanted to be a scientist) are now working on an exciting, top-secret new development.  This will involve the boxes which used to contain tablets only taken by people who always steadfastly refused to accept any form of vaccination - the ultimate, vaccine resistant homeopathic wellfullness treatment.


This has been highly recommended by US Health Secretary Kennedy and is expected to be endorsed by President Trump - provided there is no risk that any qualified person who has the faintest idea what they are talking about might possibly ever describe all this as anything other than a complete load of bollosck.



Michelle Mone may be aware of £122 Million Gown Fraud verdict

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PPE Medpro is to payback the £122,000,000 to the government for gown fraud. The agreement is to pay £100 a month for the next one million years. There are also the additional costs and interest to pay back, which may mean an additional £2 a month.


Michelle Mone, who is somehow still a f@cking Baroness, and is definitely linked to the struggling gown fraud company, is probably currently being super remorseful on her yacht. The yacht is undoubtedly called The Jolly Gown Fraud and was paid for in good honest money that was earnt in a way that no way defrauded the UK government via supplying unsuitable medical apparel.


You don’t get that kind of boat money by deceiving the Department of Health and Social Care in a time of crisis by passing off unfit-for-use robes that endanger people, no sirree bob, you get it from selling pants. Probably unsafe pants, dipped in COVID. That’s a guess, maybe one of the less dangerous strains at least.


Apparently, endangering lives by vile, opportunistic garb swindling still allows you to keep your peerage. You only lose it if the crime is worth over 1/8th of a billion pounds, luckily, she was just shy of that limit.

Crime never pays folks.... maybe we should Stop The Big Fancy Boats as they seem to be the ones containing undesirables.



‘Short Man’ energy to be harnessed by National Grid

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Scientists at the University of Padgate claim to have discovered a new energy source.


‘Short men fizz with this dark, somewhat chaotic energy’, said Dr Mathison. ‘Using supercooled niobium we have been able to build a superconducting, supermagnetic torus which traps the energy given off by men below average height. The hardest part is luring them within the forcefield. We use pies for that.’


Jo, 58, is married to one of the original test subjects. ‘That first time in the Torus was a revelation’, she told NewsBiscuit. ‘Jim came out very chill. The scientists experimented on him pretty cruelly – they hid his beer, introduced a bluebottle into the room and switched the dishwasher around so the big plates were where the small ones should be, that sort of thing. He didn’t explode once. Plus the energy generated was enough to run the tumble dryer. It wasn’t a good drying day’.


Dr Mathison designed the so-called Temper Torus to avoid having to do his share of marking, though it turns out to actually be useful. His claims have been challenged by other scientists – Professor Pauline at the University of Chicago has Patent Pending on the Perimenopause Torus, an almost identical design which uses gin instead of pies, and Pixar have hinted that this whole article is just a rip-off of the plot of Monsters, Inc.


We asked Dr Mathison for comment. ‘Well, as long as it gets me out of marking . . . you’re not recording this, are you? Oh. I’m more concerned about opposition to alternative energy sources from the far-right, given that they’re funded by fossil fuel companies. It’s ironic – I took a meter down to the last Tommy Robinson march and the Short Man energy was off the scale – that march could have powered Britain for a decade’.


So there you have it. Scientists might finally have found a use for Tommy Robinson.



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