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Universities plan to splurge after student fees increases



English Universities are planning a massive spending spree after the government agreed to increase student fees.


As student fees haven’t risen for ages and ages, there is a massive backlog of projects awaiting funding.


A spokesman for Leeds Other Other University said that it was important to distinguish themselves from Leeds University, Leeds Metropolitan University and Leeds Beckett University.  As such, they would be spending the extra money on a pay rise for the vice-chancellor, a vanity project to build the VC a new palace, on a new logo and rebranding, and some unnecessary consultancy projects.


As there will be no money left to pay for increases in minimum wage and to cover the extra national insurance, the University has already submitted its request for student fees to be linked to the cost of broadband, which increases exponentially every year for no obvious reason.




CTO Proposing Government Automation Replaced by Automation



In an ironic twist, Monzo Bank today took the decision to replace their CTO Lolly Dinero with an automated system following the publication of her proposal to automate areas of the government.


'Her justification was clear and concise,' Said CEO Isa Rate. 'She showed clearly that many government decisions could be solved by an algorithm and the majority of communication came in one of five categories. When we got AI to analyse her conclusions, the parallels between this and her job were evident, so we decided to practice what we preach and made her redundant.'


Speaking outside the bank's headquarters in London while holding a box of her worldly possessions, Ms Dinero was philosophical about the outcome, telling us, 'I suppose I should have seen it coming. We've got rid of people at the bottom thanks to things like online banking, it was only a matter of time until it bit at the top of the organisation. I'm sure my digital successor will do the job well, though I have no idea how they'll make decisions without my magic 8-ball.'


When asked what the future held, she replied, 'I'll be ok, I'm going to try my hand at a few things that are safe from the expanding remit of AI. I've always fancied writing a book or taking up art.'



Monkeys will never type Shakespeare but can become President

A peer-reviewed study has discovered that it would take longer than the life-span of the Universe to type Shakespeare, but less than three months for Donald Trump to become President again. A scientist explained: 'An infinite number of monkeys will never write Hamlet, but one single chimpanzee can beat both Trump and Harris, just be having one hopeful policy.'


The 'infinite monkey theorem' is now to be replaced by 'one baboon hurling faeces'. The new theory attested that monkey-$hit thrown at the electorate, is more desirable than the US policy on Gaza. Futher to the study, it was discovered it only takes three mandrills to write Mrs Brown's Boys, twelve gibbons to star in Mrs Brown's Boys and one Howler Monkey to laugh at it. Ironically, it would take an infinite number of Donald Trumps to write one coherent Tweet.




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