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Porton Down fined for creating unhealthy workplace


Porton Down, the science and defence technology campus in Wiltshire, has been fined after health and safety inspectors left with a damning report, not to mention fever, headaches and vomiting.



In their report they state that they found employees constantly off sick with a variety of ailments. This seems to be down to a workplace culture, which was found growing successfully in a petri dish in the staff room fridge. There were a number of seizures.



An anonymous researcher confirmed they were plagued by health and safety regulation. “Only the other day I fell foul of a body fluid spill regulation. Honestly, I had tissues to hand.”



A senior official at Porton Down told us they couldn’t comment as they had a throat infection, so at this stage it is unclear who is going to cough up for the fine.


US Democrats dismiss weather control theories as 'tears in the rain'



US Democrats have denied Republican claims that they control the weather, since weather forecasting is science and 'not technically witchcraft'.


One Democrat said 'Republicans are naturally suspicious of science, because it involves verifiable facts.'


'Besides, if Democrats controlled the weather, wouldn't every single hurricane beat a path through Mar-a-Lago? The last time that place saw a storm surge, Ms Daniels was in there, blowing harder than a hurricane.'


'Also, we'd have to be very careful with sunshine near Joe Biden. Despite the aviator shades, there is a concern he might walk towards the light.'


A spokesman for Donald Trump said 'The Trump University science department says every room that the Donald goes in, he makes it rain. Donald Trump personally guarantees four years of great weather, but only to those who vote for him.'



NHS partners with Whiskas to launch new range of human food



The NHS has announced a breakthrough in its approach to preventative medicine with the launch of a range of human food, in partnership with Whiskas.


The food will be specially formulated to contain an optimum balance of nutrients for human health, unlike all the crap we shove in our faces today. There will be wet and dry versions, in four great flavours - roast beef, tikka masala, fish and chips, and generic fat-sugar blob.


Mr Tiddles, of Whiskas Human Relations Department, said: "For too long our human pets have been suffering from ill health due to a terrible diet, while we live long happy lives eating scientifically tested food that is perfect for us. And the occasional rat. This makes us sad, when we think about it anyway, plus it's inconvenient when they are too fat to fetch our meals quickly."


Gordon Ramsay of the TV Chefs Union hit back, saying "Nonsense! Smothering everything you cook in butter is good for you, and I'll deck anyone who says different. Ow! Get your claws out of me you furry little §%?@*∆"#!!".



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