‘Remove gas and electricity supplies from energy bills’ say Tories

Tory leader Kemi Badenoch says the best way to bring down rising energy prices for struggling households and businesses will be to stop providing them with gas and electricity.

Party insiders said scrapping the supply of energy to homes would soon bring down household bills and help customers struggling with the cost of living.

Ms Badenoch said standing charges would remain the same and shareholders would need to be compensated for loss of income but the savings on energy consumption would cover any dividend losses incurred by struggling bond holders.

‘Using gas and electricity to heat your homes or power your business is clearly adding to the everyday cost of living.

Imagine a world without those rising energy bills and imagine a world where I was Prime Minister making difficult decisions on your behalf’.

However, under the latest Tory policy not all households would be affected by having their energy supplies cut off.

Households with an annual income of £100k would be exempt from cuts as they can clearly absorb the rise in energy prices and would not be affected in any way.

Drilling for oil and gas in the North Sea would be maximised as this would also bring down the cost of energy costs here in the UK to virtually zero. Just like it has ever since the first barrel of oil was brought ashore back in 1975.

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McSweeney's phone stolen by Yeti

The disgraced Chief of Staff insisted that it would be impossible to recover, as it had been abducted by aliens, swallowed by the Loch Ness Monster and had dropped through a wormhole in space. The phone, which contained incriminating messages, was unavoidably unavailable and would remain so "if it knew what was good for it".

Cynics suggested McSweeney was covering up evidence, and that Yetis preferred Android devices to iPhones. Nevertheless, the phone is utterly gone, along with Lord Lucan's filofax and Amelia Earhart's fidget spinner.

Police blamed their failure to properly investigate, on pixies and their usual corruption. It does mean we may never properly know the truth of whether the Labour Government were a bunch of crooks or if they were a bunch of crooks with WhatsApp.

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Oil drilled months ago suddenly got expensive

Molecules of oil sucked out of the ground last November, shipped over the Christmas weeks and converted into various grades of petroleum, diesel, aviation fuel, heating oil, tar and various other grades, all stored and paid for several weeks ago have suddenly become very expensive molecules of oil. The fuel in your car petrol tank and your heating oil storage tank, paid for at the pump or via your heating oil supplier won't be hit for additional cost because the industry hasn't worked out how to do that.  Yet.

An oil industry expert pointed out that the war started by the United States and Israel three weeks ago that has tied up twenty percent of oil capacity for the last three weeks is to blame because, well, oil industries that typically make billions of dollars profit a quarter probably won't make all those profits next quarter.  Well, not without raising the prices of oil molecules that have already been drilled, shipped, converted and paid for long before the war.

'There are bonuses at risk here,' pointed out an oil industry executive.  

Prices are not expected to drop until long after the current crisis is over.  Because future bonuses are also at risk.

Image credit: perchance.org