Trump promotes Crypto-Diapers

A spokesman for the President said today that the president 'is proud to promote Trump Crypto-Diapers, they're bigly good for sh!t that stinks and act as diapers as well'.  

Trump has been criticised for his meme coins and other crypto endeavours, although as he has gained (allegedly) $1.2B from them while his supporters, who bought them (allegedly) lost a similar amount to the exact penny suggests someone in the administration knows what they're doing - screwing MAGA, for starters,

'I said I don't need diapers,' the President is alleged to have said, 'but they told me that wearing them would encourage other red-blooded Americans to buy Trump Crypto-Diapers.  So I wear them. I don't need them, but it's really convenient to not have to leave an important meeting just because I need a bigly sh!t.  Or disturb my sleep when in an important meeting to have a bigly sh!t,' he said.  When asked who told him to wear them he variously said 'some big boys or a guy in the office' before settling on, 'the one who told me to bomb Iran, invade Greenland and hides my teddy at night unless I sign the Executive Orders he puts under my nose'.

Stephen Miller was unavailable for comment.  Allegedly.

image by Grok

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Met Office issues bland weather warning

As the heatwave recedes, the Met Office has issued a rare, bland weather warning for most of the UK. A bland weather warning means there is a danger to motivation with many people saying they can’t be bothered going into work and describing it as if someone has lain a damp unwashed dish cloth over their hopes and aspirations.

'The area affected by the bland weather warning can be seen in beige, shown here as a pale sort of yellowy, sandy, grey, almost like an off-white,' explained BBC weather forecaster Tomasz Schafernaker. 'Temperatures are expected to peak at around 16 or 17 degrees centigrade, unusually low for this time of year.'

The Met Office has also declared the weather for the final week of June as the most boring recorded since records began. But when asked to check the earlier records the staff in question responded, 'Can’t this wait, it just feels too dull out there, it’s like there’s a grey sheet over everything, it feels muggy, but also like it might rain, and I feel tired, like I’m coming down with something…'

Image credit: deep dream generator (which clearly doesn't understand thermometers)

Climate change 'no longer deniable' as sun comes out in Aberdeen

Scientists studying anthropogenic climate change say they now have incontrovertible evidence proving the truth of the theory - the sun has come out in Aberdeen.

'When it’s 40 degrees in London and the South East, there’ll always be people saying it’s just a heatwave, doesn’t prove anything.

”But when the sun comes out in Aberdeen, you know you’ve reached a point where our traditional understanding of climate is broken, and we’re in uncharted territory.'

Reports say the natives of Aberdeen reacted in terror to the big yellow apparition in the sky, some worshipping it as a god. while others took refuge in traditional sources of comfort, such as deep fried foods, whisky and intravenous drugs.

The authorities say it was lucky the sun wasn’t out long enough to dry out the puddles or damp stains on the walls, or they couldn’t be responsible for how people would have reacted.

Image: ChatGPT (edited)