Cows pissed off with always taking the blame

Scientific fingers are pointed squarely at cows who are now blamed for passing Bird Flu to humans after it jumped the species gap to mammals. Angry moovers and (milk) shakers are from across the UK Bovine offender community from Jersey to the Highlands, cattle have had enough.

They have formed a union, Cows Rising Against Persecution (CRAP), and are prepared to withhold milk, a spokescow said: 'Humans must stop squeezing our tits' #me.moo.

This latest attack comes on the back of world-wide recognition of their excessive production of methane, with the addition of other plants to their diet as a possible remedy. Cows blame this on Vegan fundamentalists, who would rather cut out the middleman and go straight for the nuts, or at least nut based milk and roasts, “This methane thing is a smoke screen, a load of bull, just hot air”.

Bovines have been plagued with TB for years and had tried to pass the buck to badgers. A Friesian spokescow mooed: “We wish to maintain our place as the most popular black and white animal in the UK countryside, if you’re looking for a scape-goat, the clue is in the name, Greatest Of All Time, my farty arse”.

Advertising watchdog rules against Just Stop Oil

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) has upheld 42 complaints about posters used by Just Stop Oil. The ASA ruled that the posters cannot be used in their current form and that changes to the wording are required if they are to be used again.

In their judgement the ASA said that the clear implication of the slogan was that ‘just’ stopping oil is the only action needed to avert disastrous changes to the climate. The wording ‘stop oil’ would have been acceptable, but ‘just stop oil’ was not.

The ASA said that the case for the defence was undermined because Just Stop Oil had also registered trademarks for Just Stop Gas, Just Stop Nuclear, Just Stop Burning Wood and Just Stop Buying Cucumbers Wrapped In Plastic. In this context, the use of the word ‘just’ was clearly untruthful.

A spokesman for Just Stop Oil expressed disappointment. He said, ‘We take our protesting very seriously and have processes in place to ensure compliance - as far as possible - with all relevant laws and guidance. We aim to protest peacefully, but the Establishment is against us. This decision is, ironically, Unjust.

‘We are considering our position and are planning to launch a new campaign called Just Stop The ASA.’

Photo by Juan Fernandez on Unsplash

Labour to nationalize The Simpson's mono-rail

A spokeswoman insisted Starmer could be trusted to keep his pledge - unlike all the other times: 'We will 100% nationalize. Apart from existing franchises. So lets call it 50%. A 50% guarantee. Apart from the rolling stock. Not the rolling stock. Obviously. So 25%. 25%. That's it. And the dividends. We'll still be paying shareholders. We can't not do that. Are you mad? So 1%. Not to be sniffed at. 1% and that's my last offer. 1% is not nothing. But its pretty close.'

Asked if they would meet staff's pay demands.

'Yeah, they can f$ck off.'

image from pixabay