Following an initiative from a London law firm, the Ministry of Defence has said many soldiers have agreed to take a pay cut to work from home. They denied the decision by squaddies is to avoid having to work from the Polish border instead. 'The army is full of resourceful people and we believe it is possible to practice marching in step with a couple of hundred virtual avatars on a Peloton and Call of Duty is a perfect way to practise tactics and weapon drills,' said a MoD

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US troops are to escort ships trapped in the Strait of Hormuz to freedom, according to another of those Presidential social media posts. The US President hilariously refers to his bombing campaign against Iran as the 'Middle East dispute', inviting comparison with Putin's Special Military Operation in Ukraine. Seven US troops have already been disciplined for referring to the exercise as Operation Got My Ass Whipped, instead of its official title of Project Freedom. The Presi

"The Prime Minister is deeply worried about the rising levels of hatred in Britain," said a party spokes-victim. "It's coming from people on the left, on the right... everywhere. Everybody is attacking us with blind fury simply because we happen to be Labour politicians. "Just because we're different to you - being so much more stupid and useless - doesn't mean you should hate us, or go off and vote for Reform UK." At press time, the Prime minister was wondering whether to li

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Incensed by the attitude of European countries to his war in the Middle East, Trump will be pulling back several brigades of dumb and deeply irritating US tourists from the continent. Piqued by Spain not letting him use its air bases to bomb Iranian children, Trump will withdraw 2,000 tourists who've been wandering around Madrid, wondering why it doesn't look like Milwaukee. He will recall 1,000 tourists from Italy who have been infuriating restauranteers by telling them how

Boris Johnson has confirmed that the Freedom Bus Pass in London will be used to solve the housing crisis in Britain overnight. 'Introduced by me when I was London Mayor, along with gold-paved streets and £350 million a week rebates from the EU, the Freedom Bus Pass has already provided millions of over-60s in London with a warm and comfortable way to pass their remaining years', trumpeted Johnson. 'This has allowed people like Elsie, who I had the pleasure of hearing about th

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There are 36,000 US troops in Germany and Donald Trump is cutting that number by 5,000. We spoke to some GIs about the plan. 'It'll be great to get home,' said Dwayne Lydd. 'The beer here tastes awful and not like Bud Lite at all. Although I must admit that the beer glasses are a good size. The sausages are not like proper hot dogs, all big and chewy. I think there's way too much meat on them. And European mustard is all wrong and too hot. So it will be good to get hom

People around the world have been staring in wonder at this month's display of Donald Trump going full moron. "It was amazing!" said one White House observer. "The German Chancellor said something true about his piss-poor war strategy against Iran and then Trump's psyche waxed to full moron size and he ordered 5,000 troops to be withdrawn from the country. "Trump normally expands to full moron mode about about once every month, normally coinciding with the full moon - which h

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Geoffrey Hinton, a legendary pioneer of AI, has left Google after being attacked by several office appliances. The final straw came when the lift he was travelling in said ‘Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds. Second floor. Doors closing.’ Hinton announced his resignation in a statement to the New York Times. ‘Back in my day a chatbot was just that – someone talking through their arse. Now I fear we are on the brink of demented reactionary racist trolls taking over