Stick a pony in me pocket, I'll fetch the Suitcase from the van. Cos if you want the best wines And you don't ask questions, Then Boris,...

New Reform MP Robert Jenrick has unveiled his party's vision for the UK, blaming issues with migration, energy costs, low police numbers, the NHS, and taxes on Robert Jenrick. "Let me be clear," the MP for Newark and anagrams said in a speech, "uncontrolled mass migration and the flood of arrivals by boat is totally the fault of the former Conservative immigration minister Robert Jenrick, who is absolutely not the Robert Jenrick you see before you right now. The housing of mi

In an attempt to bolster falling popularity in the opinion polls, and possibly to deflect from the failure to release the Epstein files, the President is planning on a US-wide tour to raise his profile. 'I'm touring this great country bigly and I've been given a solid gold convertible car to drive through the major cities so adoring crowds can fete me,' said the President today, unfurling a large map showing his route from Washington Dead Centre to Dallas High Street, taking

Iran has cut off the internet to its people, prompting wide scale outrage online-which fortunately they don't have to read. Influencers and chat rooms have been furious, while most Iranians read a good book. This clampdown on CIA sponsored unrest, has meant no spam mail, no clickbait and no toxic posts by Donald Trump. Said one Iranian. 'I know I should miss all that online "democracy", but I now have an extra six hours a day with my friends and family. " One US General said

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WESTMINSTER, LONDON – The leader of the Labour Party, Sir Keir Starmer, dramatically announced this afternoon that he believes the foremost way to differentiate his party from the Conservatives is by welcoming their MPs to his benches with open arms. “What finer way can there be to prove we are an entirely different beast to the government, than by accepting their ex-MPs as our own without a second thought?” asked Starmer, foolishly using up one of his six enquiries at Prime

A Leeds man has broke his own world record for the most sarcastic comments made to other drivers on a single car journey, it has been revealed. Mike McBride, 42, surpassed his previous mark of 38 remarks made from the safety of the driving seat of his Toyota Prius on a single segment of the A65 from Kirkstall to Leeds, in standing traffic in rush hour, reaching a remarkable 45 sarcastic comments in less than an hour.  'Conditions were perfect to be honest', reported McBride.

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Denmark has upped the ante with President Trump by not only sending an advance party of three soldiers to Greenland but by attacking the US in a three pronged economic attack targeted at the President. Point 1:  Denmark supplies the US with 30% of the insulin it uses. US response: Ha! The Donald doesn't care because he doesn't know he's type 2 diabetic.  He thinks the daily injection is diet coke. Point 2:  Denmark supplies the US with 100% of Ozempic. US response:  Ha!  The

In a heart warming end to NATO, the US revealed it had grown emotionally-but also territorially. Trump said. 'The true reward of a quest—is not the achievement itself, but the large mineral deposits in your soul.' He admitted that the Greenlanders had melted his heart and coincidentally melted their tundra to reveal prime real estate. You can not put a price on friendship he said, but you can put a price on acreage. He told the Greenlanders they always had the power to return

Secretary of State for Eating Ostrich Anus, Nadine Dorries, is fully defunding the pinko, commie, Britain-hating BBC, to ingratiate herself with the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch. Co-conspirator in hate Julia Hartley-Brewer added the BBC shouldn't produce content that she herself doesn’t directly consume – she finds CBeebies too advanced. Dorries is therefore replacing all CBeebies and CBBC programmes with Wordle, the free, once-a-day, 5-letter game. Once the game is complete