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That was a tough round of Gulf, admits Trump


'I thought I'd go for a round in that Persian Gulf,' Trump told a collection of attentive tee pegs.


'But boy, was it hard. Too many water hazards and sand traps. I gave it my best shot - about 15,000 shots with Tomahawk missiles and such like, but I just ended up getting stuck in the rough.


'I guess I'll have to do what I always do when I'm losing - pick up my ball and walk away, saying I won. I'll put it down on my scorecard as twelve under par.


'From now on, I'll be playing closer to home, beating up countries around what I'm calling the Gulf of America. I won against Venezuela with a single stroke. Now I think I'll take few swings against impoverished, defenceless Cuba.


'But I'm never Gulfing in the Middle East again. Those Persian Gulfers play even dirtier than I do.'




Image credit: perchance.org

Updated version of 1984 published in US



1984, George Orwell's famous study of autocratic tyranny, has long been on the list of books banned from American public schools and libraries.


Its sudden reappearance was therefore met with surprise, until people noticed it wasn't quite the same book they remembered.


'Russia is our ally, Russia has always been our ally,' declares the book in a particularly unexpected passage. 'They support us in our struggle against Canada and Mexico. So it's only right we should help them when Ukraine provocatively attacks Russian soldiers, hundreds of miles inside Ukrainian territory.


'We're not sure whose side Lesotho is on, but then it sounds like a made up country anyway.'


The book goes on to say Russia isn't actually at war, because they choose not to call it that. Moreover freedom is slavery, and ignorance, if not exactly strength, can certainly be helpful in getting elected.


It concludes with a paean of praise to 'Big Orange Brother', the great leader whose infinite wisdom guides a grateful nation to ever greater success and prosperity.


However, it's thought no one will ever read the new version, because all public schools and libraries have now been closed so that Elon Musk can have a slightly larger tax break.


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