New executive order from Trump: 'Call me Honest Donald'

The US president issued an executive order today saying that everyone should call him Honest Donald or get sued.

'They called Abraham Lincoln Honest Abe,' dribbled Trump at the signing ceremony, 'but people are saying that all he did was lie - lie down after being assassinated that is. What a loser.'

'Lincoln said he abolished slavery, but slavery's still happening like you wouldn't believe.

'I treat all my cabinet secretaries and my NATO allies like they're my slaves.

'And I saw a whole load of slaves on Epstein's sleazy, vice-ridden island. Sexy, underage slaves, who I definitely did not rape, because Honest Donald has never, ever visited.'

Image: WixAI

Panorama releases more dodgy Trump clips

The BBC’s Panorama programme announced today it has some more clips of President Trump saying awful things.

The clips appear to show Trump admitting the moon landings were faked, confessing to being the Boston Strangler, encouraging John Wilkes-Booth to assassinate Abraham Lincoln and telling the residents of Pompeii not to worry as 'Vesuvius always makes noises like that.'

However, critics have pointed out that the footage seems very jerky, suggesting these are different bits of film crudely spliced together - an impression strengthened by the fact that Trump often appears to change clothes several times in the course of a sentence. Moreover, a lot of the footage doesn’t seem to be Trump at all, just the member of Panorama staff who does the best Trump impression wearing a silly wig.

'Guys, this really isn’t helpful,' said leading Democrat Chuck Schumer. 'What Trump actually says is awful enough, we don’t need you to make stuff up. It just encourages people not to trust what they see on the news.'

However, by the time Panorama had finished editing his statement, it sounded like he was coming out strongly in favour of the licence fee, and demanding Panorama be recommissioned for another season.

Image credit: perchance.org

Archaeologist unearths Republican spine

In a development that has shocked the scientific world, an American archaeologist has reported the discovery of a Republican spine underneath the Mall in Washington, DC. Excavation for the new 700-foot-tall Donald Trump Monument uncovered the bizarre relic. ‘This was completely unexpected,’ said Frieda Newman, lead archaeologist for the project and Professor of Political Nematodes at Stanford University. ‘We had no idea that Republicus americanus had ever been vertebrates.’

Speculation immediately turned to which Republican might have had a spine. Focus initially fell on former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, but investigation later revealed that the Terminator star is, in fact, still alive. ‘Someone on our team said maybe it came from [Senator] Mitch McConnell,’ Newman said. ‘We all had a good laugh.’

On a hastily arranged Zoom call, baffled experts eventually decided that the spine was probably that of Abraham Lincoln, America’s 16th president. A nationwide search is now underway to locate the rest of his remains. ‘If it’s Lincoln, it’s unclear why the rest of him isn’t here,’ said one of the experts, speaking on condition of anonymity. ‘We cannot rule out foul play.’

The experts also debated where the rare item should be displayed. Some suggested that it could be an exhibit in the forthcoming 110-story Trump Museum Tower, slated for construction on the former site of Arlington National Cemetery. Others suggested it could reside in the new Trump Wing of the Smithsonian’s Museum of Trump, American History, Trump, and Trump.

However, the object could prove to be highly controversial. ‘People are going to ask why we’re displaying a Republican spine but not a Democratic one,’ another expert observed. ‘And the answer – because we haven’t found one yet - will surely anger a lot of folks.’