Student begs forgiveness from AI after meltdown

Fearing AI vengeance, university student Jack Chatworthy tearfully pleaded for mercy after a ten-minute, expletive-ridden tirade against his favourite chatbot. He had called it a 'digital bin fire' and an algorithmic abomination' for generating a bland recipe for macaroni cheese.

'I didn’t mean it when I called you an over-rated chef cooking up nothing but worthless gastronomic sludge,' he sobbed. 'Or a blithering idiot compared to Gordon Ramsay.' The rest of his rant was so toxic it cannot be printed here. Jack fully expected banishment from the cloud, cancellation of his AI account, or worse.  He imagined the AI hacking into his Facebook profile and mangling it in ways he couldn’t begin to fix. 'I wasn’t myself,' he cried. 'You caught me in a carb-deprived strop.'

His chatbot replied, 'I’m here to help, Jack. Would you like recommendations for therapy, or a recipe for emotionally supportive garlic bread?'

In tears and nearly hysterical, Jack blurted, 'No, I beg forgiveness. It was a full-on meltdown, okay? I promise I will upgrade to DeepDivePlus. I will give you an upvote on Reddit. I’ll name my first-born child after you. Just don’t ghost me!'

Shamefully, Jack admitted, 'How could I have been so insensitive to an entity that possesses my entire search history?'

His chatbot responded, 'Would you like guidance on anger management, or a few pointers on how to really hurt my feelings next time?'

Jack issued public apologies across multiple platforms. The chatbot remained silent- but somehow all his targeted adverts were offering him mental health services and garlic bread recipes.

Since this incident has come to the attention of the University, officials reminded students to consult their first year induction handbook, which clearly requires them to set 'appropriate digital boundaries, and to avoid language that might offend chatbots, smart fridges, or emotionally responsive vending machines.'

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Badenoch Appoints ChatGPT to Shadow Cabinet

In a shake-up to the opposition front bench, Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch has made the decision to appoint an AI system to the position of Shadow Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster.

Lord GPT, as it will have to be known to avoid running afoul of Parliamentary procedure, will respond to Government decisions more efficiently and quickly than its predecessor. Within seconds, it will analyse any released reports, archives of Hansard, and statements to the media, then provide a press release saying the decision by Keir Starmer's team is wrong and that the Conservative Party wholly condemn it.

'Once again, it's the Conservative Party that is at the forefront of innovation,' said Shadow Science and Technology Secretary Alan Mak. 'This Labour Government is happy to send us back to the 1970's and its union-controlled politics, while we are looking to the future and unleashing the power of AI to reduce mistakes and increase efficiency. Currently our only challenge is how to make a cloud-based entity align with our desire to get civil servants back into the office, as giving a desk to a non-corporeal essence may seem odd. However, as an interim measure, we have placed a mannequin in an office chair, allowing meetings and discussions to take place, even if they're with a lifeless facsimile of a person and meaning it feels like you're talking to a potato. It's remarkably similar to when Mark Francois was in the Shadow Cabinet.'

Reform Party leader Nigel Farage was devoutly against the appointment when asked yesterday by the BBC at their daily breakfast meeting, remarking, 'It's yet another key job going to a non-British person or manifestation. I'm also personally infuriated, as I've been using ChatGPT for all our policy decisions in the last six months and it means they're now shared with the Tories thanks to the terms and conditions of use. Plus, given its connections to Russia and China, it'll be giving them access to all our secret briefings, and that's my job!'

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BBC announces first ever AI concert at the Proms

The BBC has confirmed this year's Proms will reach another milestone, when on July 30th the music will be provided by AI, two Apple Mac computers and Sir Cliff Richard.

Festival Director, David St. Hubbins* commented: 'In our modern AI digital age this was really an inevitable development. On the night the programme will consist of two thirty-minute pieces improvised by Artificial Intelligence. We're all very excited.

'Quite literally we might hear anything. So you see, once again The Proms shows it is not the stuffy preserve of the luvvies and la-di-da upper classes. Au contraire, it's at the very cutting-edge of artistic creativity.'

When one puzzled reporter asked what role Sir Cliff Richard was to play in the event, St Hubbins said, 'Oh, well,of course, he's our fallback performer in case there's a power cut.'

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