Trump ecstatic with small town airport being named after him

"Now I've got an honour that Obama and Sleepy Joe Biden haven't," bragged US President Donald Trump to reporters in the urinals of the newly named Trump International Airport in Nosedive, Indiana. "An airport named after me, me, me. Millions of people now are going to be starting their descent into Trump."

Trump then unveiled plans to turn the airport's control tower into the Trump Control Tower Casino and the airport baggage hall into the Trump Congress.

"I'll pass all the laws I like in my own Baggage Hall Congress," said Trump. "Then I'll veto them and pass them all again."

"And I'll be turning the airport fence into a big, beautiful airport wall. Any Air Mexico flights which try to land here will crash right into it."

Later that day, the control tower casino declared bankruptcy, the Democrats won a majority in the baggage hall Congress and Trump sold off all the planes in the airport hangars to his kleptocrat friends to use as bombers against former US allies.

UK border delays as visitors complete essays

Heathrow Airport yesterday declared a major incident at the UK Border following the Home Office confirming that migrants would require A-Level standards of English.

At hastily installed booths for a pilot study, visitors were being given two hours to answer questions on Othello to receive a stamp in their passport and be granted entry to the country. Despite being their native tongue, one holidaymaker from the United States was struggling with the text and questions.

'How does Shakespeare use irony?' They exclaimed while leafing through the text, 'The same way we all do? He just plugs it in and gets the creases out his pants? Did they wear pants in the olden times? Oh I haven't read this since High School. Is it Othello or Iago who's black?'

After the first day, over 97% of those arriving had been returned to their point of departure after failing to meet the expected standard. 'Clearly we're very disappointed," a spokesperson for The Home Office said, 'especially as the worst performing group in this whole exercise were British Citizens returning home. Many failed to identify the symbolic importance of the settings, others couldn't explain the dramatic function of jealousy, and when the flight from Alicante arrived, a worrying number of them tried to eat the book.'

Photo by Kit (formerly ConvertKit) on Unsplash

Gatwich gets second runway. Isle of Wight gets second Subway

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