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Spaceship approaching Earth is probably a comet, say aliens


Aliens who have been hiding in plain sight for millennia and controlling every aspect of human endeavour have broken cover to deny the spaceship named 3I/ATLAS is a spacecraft and is really just a comet. 


Unzipping his human exoskeleton to reveal his lizard body the leader of Reform stated clearly that any similarities between the comet and a spacecraft are coincidental and there is nothing to worry about, other than it being on a crash vector certain to wipe out all civilised life in about three month's time.


He also added that impact would absolutely confirm that Reform would be elected to lead the next government.


image from pixabay

Alien who asked 'take me to your leader' taken to Martin Lewis





An Alien who landed on Earth in Norfolk, for that is where all aliens choose to visit first, asked a local human if it would be OK to meet with the leader of Britain.


Gerald Noyce, a rural dweller who is used to encountering extra-terrestrials, assisted the alien with her polite request. 'I definitely wasn't going to subject her to those headless chickens in Downing Street. I mean, can you imagine the shame of introducing someone who's travelled millions of light years to that utter shower?


'So my first thought was Fry. No, not Stephen, that lovely Hannah Fry professor lady. She knows what she's doing and she's a squillion times more engaging than any politician Britain has ever had. But in the end, the choice was staring me in the face. I mean, it's got to be Martin Lewis, right? He had this "trusted voices" meeting thing he was invited to attend, and he's done more to actually help people than every Tory Minister in history added together.


'He was really nice to the alien, didn't order any tests on her or anything, listened to what she had to say, and even helped her choose the best insurance for her spacecraft.'




First published 29 Nov 2022


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Smoke alarms on Space Station triggered by alien bacon



Concerns have been raised that Astronauts may have been sneakily eating evidence of life from other planets, specifically turning ET into a bacon butty. The International Space Station (ISS) has claimed smoke detectors were set off by faulty batteries but were unable to explain the smell of crispy bacon and the discarded alien clothing.


Rumours exist that First Contact with an alien race was disrupted, when the ISS crew discovered that this new race shared 99% of their DNA with pigs. Commented one astronaut: ‘They came in peace but they were so goddamn tasty!’


Being stuck on a space station with months of powdered food creates a certain hunger, a hunger that soon took over, when the inhabitants of Porcus V raised their trotters in friendship. Explained another astronaut, wiping ketchup from his chin: ‘They were saying something about discovery and knowledge but all I heard was the sound of sizzling’.




First published 13 Sep 2021


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