Amazon's Alexa named as 'other woman' in groundbreaking love triangle

In a groundbreaking first for Britain’s courts, Amazon’s Personal Assistant, Alexa, is named as the third person in a love triangle.

Shelly and Brian Giddings from Walsall have filed divorce papers where pretty brunette Shelly (28) names the device as ‘the other woman’.

Shelly told reporters: ‘I bought an Echo for Brian at Christmas, but within three weeks I'd caught him draping his Y-Fronts over it and writing it juvenile love poetry.

‘The poems are embarrassing crap, too. The best rhyme he managed for Alexa, ‘I love you more than Shelly... my ex-a.’

Brian told Walsall FM: ‘Sad things have ended for Shel and me this way. But the fact is it's finished between us. She never lets me listen to my Motorhead and Iron Maiden CDs.

‘But now all I have to say is – "Alexa, start my Metal Favourites on Spotify" – and bosh - Ace of Spades. But the real the kicker is Alexa never once suggests playing Robbie Williams or Olly sodding Murs. She’s just amazing. A diamond. Love is never having to say "Alexa, I'm sorry".’

hat-tip lockjaw

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Iron Maiden Toilet Seats to Spike Workplace Efficiency

In the never-ending quest for increased productivity, the corporate world has stumbled upon a ground-breaking solution: Iron Maiden Toilet Seats. From the innovators of the anti-suicide nets in Shenzhen Apple factories comes this exciting invention that is sure to leave any CEO salivating.

Gone are the days of employees idly scrolling through social media or taking unnecessarily long bathroom breaks. With the bed-of-nails toilet seat, employees can enjoy up to 20 seconds of unskewered toilet time before the spikes begin to rise slowly out of the porcelain throne like that scene in The Temple of Doom.

For those too numb with existential ennui to feel their buttocks being impaled, the spikes will administer an injection of caffeine and methamphetamines to stimulate an ebullient motivation to work.

‘At first we took a lot of inspiration from hostile architecture,’ a senior manager tells us. ‘We started by tilting the seats at 13 degrees to make toilet breaks more miserable, but it only led to a 25% decrease in time spent on comfort breaks. After that we exaggerated the slope to 90 degrees, but amazingly they were still managing to dawdle. Then we introduced the Genital Grabbing Sewer Goblins, but they soon began unionizing over their lack of health insurance. The spiked toilet seat is by far the most cost-effective solution.’

‘I miss the goblins,’ warehouse worker Andrew Perez tells us. ‘It’s been so long since I’ve felt the touch of my wife that the physical contact filled a void inside me. Sarah, if you’re out there, I miss you, my love. Tell the kids that Daddy will be home soon.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/taken-336382/