World’s largest gunrunner oddly concerned that we might not buy their guns

By a strange coincidence, suggested cutbacks to NATO spending have prompted a shrill response from the military–industrial complex. US diplomats are so aghast at reduced defence budgets, that the collective tightening of their sphincter muscles was mistaken for a Lockheed YF-12 taking off from an anus.

In response, the US Ambassador immediately flew to Brussels with free copies of ‘Gun’n’Ammo Monthly’ and a 2-for-1 voucher on nuclear deterrents. A Pentagon spokesman confirmed: ‘In this era of terrorism, it’s important that we are armed with the most high-tech weapons. God knows, the terrorists are. Mainly because we sold it to them.’

With an annual defence spend of over $1 trillion, the US might easily be accused of having a vested interest in the pursuit of war. However, one diplomat explained: ‘Liking guns doesn’t mean you like war. If you like porn, do you like sex? Bad example. Well, what about restaurants and food? Still no good? Hey, I like sport, but I don’t like the NFL. Whadaya mean American football isn’t a sport?!?’

Hank the Tank put on standby’ warns Biden

US President Biden has warned Vladimir Putin that he is prepared to send a 500lb bear to assist Ukraine in their attempt to halt the ongoing Russian invasion.

Biden warned Russia that the bear would be dropped behind enemy lines unless they withdraw troops from the conflict with immediate effect. The bear is known to have a raging appetite for human junk food and could impact Russian supply chains within hours of being mobilised.

‘We all know the quote attributed to Frederick the Great that an army marches on its stomach’ said a former US General. ‘Well so does Hank……'.

'Russian soldiers might be loyal to Putin right now' continued the General. 'But after a week of seeing Hank eating their field rations and taking a dump in their food trucks…..well, I’m not so sure’.

Hank has been terrorising Californian homes in the Lake Tahoe region for several weeks now and due to a diet of fast food and Cola his weight has ballooned to an enormous 500lb.

He may not be quite as enormous as the average American but still a good size for a black bear.

‘It is unusual to see them out and about at this time of year as they usually hibernate and wait for the warmer weather before emerging from their sleep’ said bear expert Jason Beesley. ’And the same goes for the bears’.

Image: Pixabay/TheOtherKev

Man devastated as 50-year-old Grateful Dead t-shirt finally disintegrates in wash

Drug-addled Californian, Jeff Kalimski, is still devastated after learning his 2$ dollar 50-year-old "Deadhead" t-shirt disintegrated in the wash last week.

Speaking on Good Morning America, his wife Roberta said: 'I'm not surprised it fell to pieces. To be honest, it was little more than a collection of holes held together with strands of material. I had been telling him to get a new one for forty-five years, but he just kept refusing.

'He took the news badly, and when I told him I threw what little of it remained after the spin cycle finished into the dumpster, he, like, totally flipped out, took to his room and wouldn't come out for a whole day. Between the uncontrollable wailing sobs and the Dead's Truckin blaring out, it was just so awful.'

Almost a week after the trauma and still coming to a painful and reluctant acceptance that the shirt is no more, a red-eyed Jeff said: 'Like, wow man. Hey, far out. That shirt, man was like a... like an amazing toke on the best doobie ever. I guess I'm too cut up to talk about it. Noooo! Look out; there's a pink giraffe coming to eat us all. Run for your lives.'

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