Judas apologises for Good Friday 'confusion'

In a rare public statement, former disciple Judas Iscariot has apologised for the 'confusion' caused by his actions leading up to Good Friday in AD 30.

A recent surprise returner to Elon Musk’s unfiltered platform X, Judas posted as follows:

'I was increasingly unhappy with the direction the disciples of Jesus were taking. I originally signed up for a radical programme of reform, but Jesus — having initially overturned the tables of the money-lenders in the temple, and argued with seemingly everyone about matters of doctrine — turned increasingly to talking of loving and forgiving one’s enemies.'

The blacklisted disciple admitted his actions had faced some 'fraught days in the last week of Easter' and 'I haven't covered myself in glory.'

'The problem was I was also suddenly skint. I mean: who wouldn’t take thirty pieces of silver having decided to ostracise themselves from their party? But I didn’t read the small print and things just ran away with themselves. And no I won’t be commenting on events that followed because it’s a distraction from the main point I’m making.'

'But, yes, I’m happy to confirm I’m taking donations again for my new party.'

Writer: sketchedbyboz

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

The BBC can’t turn back the clock after 25 years, but we can make an unconditional apology

Canada-UK Partnership Ensures Continued Supply of Apologies

As a Precursor to the G7 Summit taking place in Canada this week, the Prime Ministers of the UK and Canada met in Ottowa and struck a historic accord that ensures closer collaboration on the sharing of apologies between the two nations.

"Our profound friendship and similarities are what unite us," said Stanley Cupp, Canadian Minister for Trade. "Canadians have always been distinguishable from Americans in two ways: the fact we'll put maple syrup on literally anything, and that if someone bumps into us we'll apologise rather than try to assert our second amendment rights. By sharing the manufacture of regrets with the UK and removing duties, we're confident that both countries will continue to be able to say sorry whether the mistake is on our part or not."

Both Mark Carney and Sir Keir Starmer are said to be arriving at the event in Alberta laden with freshly-minted atonements and contritions to share with the other delegates. They're confident there's more than enough for everyone due to the likely disparity between the amount they believe Donald Trump needs, and the amount he'll actually take.

image from pixabay

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