The BBC’s letter to Donald Trump

Our man on the inside at Broadcasting House found this letter in a waste paper bin on the top floor, so we reckon that it is 110% genuine...

'Dear President Trump

We are sorry about the editing on that Panorama program. But you did say all those things. Just not necessarily in that order.

We have talked to all the staff on Panorama about this, including the staff members working on the upcoming episodes provisionally titled Epstein: The Real Story, The Epstein Papers Uncovered, Andrew, Epstein and Trump, The Inside Story of Virginia Giuffre, Epstein: The Untold Story, America and The End Of Democracy, and Epstein: The Last Trump. We will be checking those Panorama programmes much more carefully, rest assured. Thanks to the publicity you have given to the BBC and Panorama, we now expect to sell these programmes for broadcast in the USA and make ourselves a bit of extra cash. We hope that you enjoy watching them.

Regarding damages, we are prepared to accept a settlement from you of one billion dollars, for your libelous comments about the BBC and Fake News. A man in your position ought to know better. If you are unable to send the money within seven days, then the bill will double every seven days until you pay up. We hope that we are talking a language that you understand.

Yours very faithfully, the BBC'

Image: WixAI

Judas apologises for Good Friday 'confusion'

In a rare public statement, former disciple Judas Iscariot has apologised for the 'confusion' caused by his actions leading up to Good Friday in AD 30.

A recent surprise returner to Elon Musk’s unfiltered platform X, Judas posted as follows:

'I was increasingly unhappy with the direction the disciples of Jesus were taking. I originally signed up for a radical programme of reform, but Jesus — having initially overturned the tables of the money-lenders in the temple, and argued with seemingly everyone about matters of doctrine — turned increasingly to talking of loving and forgiving one’s enemies.'

The blacklisted disciple admitted his actions had faced some 'fraught days in the last week of Easter' and 'I haven't covered myself in glory.'

'The problem was I was also suddenly skint. I mean: who wouldn’t take thirty pieces of silver having decided to ostracise themselves from their party? But I didn’t read the small print and things just ran away with themselves. And no I won’t be commenting on events that followed because it’s a distraction from the main point I’m making.'

'But, yes, I’m happy to confirm I’m taking donations again for my new party.'

Writer: sketchedbyboz

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

The BBC can’t turn back the clock after 25 years, but we can make an unconditional apology