Conservatives to offer internships as Prime Minister

'We got the idea from "Have I Got News For You?" ' said a spokesman. 'When Angus Deayton had to leave because of the, erm, cocaine allegations, they brought in guest presenters. We’ve been doing the same with our Prime Ministers.'

The Conservative Party’s plan is to allow the children of wealthy donors to each do a week as "Intern PM" .

'Oh, they’d run the country, much as Liz is doing now,' said the spokesman. 'It will look good on their CVs and the chances are the pound might rally a bit.'

Keir Starmer described the idea as ‘interesting’ and asked if there would be an age limit.

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First published 9 Oct 2022

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MI6 Delay Tehran Nuclear Efforts By Using British Project Managers

New head of MI6 Blaise Metreweli has unveiled her first success as "C" within the secretive organisation; the successful delay of Iran's Nuclear Weapons programme through the covert installation of UK-trained project managers with experience of major infrastructure projects into the regime.

"I'm very happy to disclose the effectiveness of Operation Gantt," said SIS Spokesperson Harriet Palmerston at a Press Conference today. "Recruiting people to the intelligence services used to be a tap on a shoulder in an Oxbridge College following lectures; nowadays it's the corridors of a civil engineering firm after yet another status meeting announcing a schedule slip. We identified several potential agents due to their natural ability to obfuscate and leave teams hamstrung. Thanks to special training in sounding promising but delivering little delivered by former contestants on The Apprentice, these operatives have been able to keep Tehran a year from having an atomic bomb for the past decade."

Palmerston then explained the next steps for the operation, "With their work largely concluded due to the military action in the area now removing Iran's capability to enrich uranium, these people have been extracted and will be returned to their roles in the Civil Service delivering such projects as the Lower Thames Crossing and Heathrow's Third Runway. It's felt some of the managerial techniques they've picked up while deployed, such as beatings and ritual beheadings, are just the kind of motivational tactics these programs need to really get them moving."

image from pixabay

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Civil Service reels as higher level apprenticeships are scrapped

The Civil Service is horrified that the government has scrapped funding for higher level apprenticeships and for older apprentices.

A spokesman said, ‘The Civil Service has an excellent record of delivering apprenticeship places. Everyone in HR is doing an apprenticeship. The government is funding their MA courses and their PhD’s that are essential in getting them well paid jobs in the private sector.   Without the apprenticeship scheme, all these stupid old duffers won’t get any qualifications, and they will just hang around and block promotion for younger staff.

‘All professional functions will be affected – procurement, facilities management, organisational development, finance, talent management, equality and disability officers, LGBTQ+ champions, records management, and communications experts – all the critical back office functions that keep the Civil Service show on the road. This is a tremendous blow.  Without the apprenticeships to keep them busy, these people will be back in the office thinking up new and stupider ways to bugger up the Civil Service.

‘Thankfully, policy work is not affected.  All our policy staff are essentially untrained, including those with degrees in PPE from Oxford University.   They have always argued that their lived experience from the University of Hardly Any Knocks is the best training for thinking up dim-witted policies for their ministers. 

'So, going forward in the new world without funding for apprentices, policymaking will continue to be done by shadowy think tanks, and the civil servants will continue to present this work as their own.’

Picture credit: Wix AI