God's architect wins award

Following the Pope’s announcement that Antoni Gaudí - better known as God’s architect - had been declared Venerable, the Vatican says it intends to hold annual award ceremonies declaring God’s favourites across a range of jobs and professions.

The awards will see accountants, bankers, lawyers and others vying to be God's chosen one, first in their own profession and then to go on to win the overall title of God's favourite human. The Vatican hopes that the awards will outstrip the Oscars and the Golden Globes in popularity,

The Archbishop of Milan told reporters that almost everyone that knows anything about football will already know that AC Milan were chosen many years ago by the supreme being as his favourite football team. How else would you explain that they are still going strong, despite the countless charges of bribery and corruption against them. That, without doubt, is proof of divine intervention.

Pope watchers in the Vatican have said with their experience in money laundering, having people disappeared, and their already close ties with the Vatican, it’s very hard to look past one of the big Italian banks for God’s favourite Banker. Given Jesus’s barely disguised support of the wealthy, give unto Caesar what is Caesar's, an Italian Bankers win seems nailed on.

The British press are anxious that there should be plenty of UK interest in the awards and are asking readers to put forward possible candidates for nomination, which they will pass onto to the Archbishop of Westminster. To date, some names offered by Daily Mail readers are, Enoch Powell (favourite politician), Queen Elizabeth II (God's favourite horse breeder) and Tommy Cooper (favourite comedian in a fez). Just looking at Tommy would make God crease up, said Malcolm from Berkshire.

Image by Almeida from Pixabay

New Old Trafford stadium will 'be the best in League Two'

Manchester United’s owners have boasted that the futuristic mega structure that will become their new stadium will allow '100,000 people watch some desperately mediocre football for many years to come'.

One Manchester United fan said 'I personally cannot wait for teams like Accrington Stanley and the Dog and Duck Second XI to play in a stadium that is primarily a shopping centre and yet somehow also visible from space.'

'Manchester City might get relegated because of Financial Fair Play rules. United will get relegated the old fashioned way.'

Zuflaxizog, the pilot of a passing alien spaceship, fumed 'There is a lot of space debris around the Earth these days. Mostly footballs from errant Manchester United strikers. Hey, what’s the massive red circus tent? '

Photo by Nat Callaghan on Unsplash

Football stadium architect admits he's lost the dressing room

.