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Alien who asked 'take me to your leader' taken to Martin Lewis



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An Alien who landed on Earth in Norfolk, for that is where all aliens choose to visit first, asked a local human if it would be OK to meet with the leader of Britain.


Gerald Noyce, a rural dweller who is used to encountering extra-terrestrials, assisted the alien with her polite request. 'I definitely wasn't going to subject her to those headless chickens in Downing Street. I mean, can you imagine the shame of introducing someone who's travelled millions of light years to that utter shower?


'So my first thought was Fry. No, not Stephen, that lovely Hannah Fry professor lady. She knows what she's doing and she's a squillion times more engaging than any politician Britain has ever had. But in the end, the choice was staring me in the face. I mean, it's got to be Martin Lewis, right? He had this "trusted voices" meeting thing he was invited to attend, and he's done more to actually help people than every Tory Minister in history added together.


'He was really nice to the alien, didn't order any tests on her or anything, listened to what she had to say, and even helped her choose the best insurance for her spacecraft.'




First published 29 Nov 2022


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Posh YouTubers solve cost of living crisis by not shopping at Waitrose


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A pair of upper class YouTube stars are being hailed as heroes after devising an ingenious method for money saving during a time of financial instability for many families. Coining it ‘LowWaitrose’, their suggestion is that struggling households can save important pennies by limiting how much they shop at Waitrose supermarkets. In a new video the pair described this trick with their distinctly Etonian accents:


‘It’s a universal feeling to enjoy a good Waitrose shop, but we actually saved money by getting our groceries from places other than Waitrose - a huge life hack I’m not sure many families are aware of. It will still be there for your essential grocery items, like a Duck Parfait or Truffle Oil, but we think limiting your Waitrose exposure could really make a dent in this cost of living crisis. We even came across this niche German supermarket called Lidl and let me tell you the mini-pizzas are sublime.’


The online stars then went on to describe how even though they personally didn’t need to change their shopping habits, they understand how many people are affected by the soaring food prices.


‘While we can more than afford to get a Waitrose Finest Bronze Turkey on a regular basis, we understand how for so many people that dream has become really difficult. You should really be in the loop about a place called Sainsbury’s, even though you might not find us shopping there.’


On social media the YouTubers hinted that in their next video they would be tackling the NHS waiting lists by using Private Healthcare.



image from pixabay



First published 28 Nov 2023


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Netanyahu claims aid trucks to Gaza are parking antisemitically


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The Israeli Donald Trump, Benjamin Netanyahu, has been accused of prank calling the 'How's My Driving?' number stuck on the back of lorries that are delivering humanitarian aid to Gaza.

As the phone rang yet again in her office, temp Amy Armstrong sighed and rolled her eyes 'Hello again Mr Netanyahu... No, I don't think those four lorries are deliberately forming the shape of a Swastika... we'd actually rather you didn't rain down the wrath of Abraham on our vehicles... well the lorries' sat navs are saying "from the river to the sea" because they’re having to rely on natural landmarks... well that's because you’ve bombed all the addresses in Gaza off Google Maps... Yes, well that is a lot of plagues isn't it... Alright then, well enjoy the humanitarian pause for reloading.'

Armstrong made herself a tea, before adding 'It makes a change from calls about tailgating on the M6.'


image from pixabay



First published 27 Nov 2023


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