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Luxury flat owner on toilet wins Turner Prize



The owner of a luxury apartment overlooked by Tate Modern has spoken of her shock and delight at winning this year’s Turner prize. Poppy Tamara Bullion, a haute couture fashion designer, was unaware she had been nominated for the accolade, or that going to the toilet fell under the category of performance art.


Ms Bullion announced on social media - ‘Hi guys. So excited to have won the Turner prize. I produce some of my best work when I’m sitting on the toilet. A big shout out to all the art critics who stand on the viewing platform in dirty raincoats, come rain or shine.’


Grayson Perry, one of this year’s judges, praised Ms Bullion’s work.


‘She goes beyond using the toilet as a utilitarian process and opens up the medium to thousands of ordinary working class people. She is saying – look at me, I’m rich and privileged but I go to the toilet like everyone else. It’s political without being ideological.’


The Saatchi Gallery has snapped up Ms Bullion’s toilet and exercise bike for an undisclosed sum. Ms Bullion announced on social media - ‘Hi guys. So excited to have sold my toilet and exercise bike for an undisclosed sum.’


image form pixabay



First published 3 Feb 2023


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Fears grow for covid after it is infected by Laurence Fox



Fears are growing for the wellbeing of the Covid-19 virus after it confirmed it has been infected by attention-seeking former actor Laurence Fox.


Covid has not been vaccinated against irritatingly smug self-promoters and is currently attempting to treat itself with unproven remedies, leading to real concerns about its future welfare.


"The best way to avoid being infected by a massively annoying bellend desperate for attention is to steer clear of things like social media and Question Time. Unfortunately, as covid spread through more and more of the population, the chances of it being exposed to Mr Fox increased." said Stephen Thompson, Professor of Virology at Oxford University.


"At this stage it is too early to say how the virus will cope with being infected by Laurence. We are hopeful though that it has developed a level of natural immunity from other morons it has already encountered, such as flat earthers and other anti-vaxxers."


One major fear is that covid's exposure to the former Lewis star could cause it to mutate to another new variant. One that will spout ridiculous bullshit on any platform in an increasingly pathetic attempt to remain relevant.




First published 2 Feb 2022


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WHO wards off Ukraine invasion with brilliant Covid-based peace plan



All Russian military personnel planning to cross into Ukraine must show proof of a negative PCR test taken no more than 72 hours before entry,” said a WHO spokesman, officiously, on the steps of the organisation’s Geneva headquarters.


“Failure to do so will result in denial of entry, and heavy fines.


“In addition to this, all weapons of war must be thoroughly disinfected with approved brands of alcohol wipes. Friends and relations of Matt Hancock will be on hand at the borders to sell you these at a very reasonable price.


“We are hoping that most members of Russia’s 100,000-strong invasion force will listen to our tedious and dreary regulations, say: ‘Sod it, I didn’t want to go to Ukraine anyway - it’s a stupid place,’ and promptly desert.


“Russian troops must respect social distancing rules and remain at least two metres apart from enemy combatants," continued the official.


"That means no slaughtering using bayonets - which rather takes the fun out of it, doesn’t it, Ivan? Are you sure you want to invade?


“Military personnel will also be forbidden from gathering in groups of more than six for the purposes of ransacking villages, committing gang rapes or getting drunk on the local vodka.


“Unless you’re a high-ranking politician, of course. Then, you can gather with your all cronies in the back garden of a government mansion and throw as many wild parties as you like. Just have a quiet word with the local police chief afterwards. She’ll hush it up for you.”




First published 1 Feb 2022


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