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PMs birthday bash followed covid rules - sort of - says government



Amid reports that up to 30 members of staff, interior decorators and family members met indoors to celebrate Boris Johnson's birthday during lockdown, the government has insisted that the whole meeting was carried out in compliance with COVID rules..


'The singing of Happy Birthday was carried out twice while the chef who cut the cake washed his hands, in line with government guidance at the time, said a spokesperson..


Responding to critics that the Prime Minister risked spreading Covid particles by blowing out the candles the government spokesman replied that removing a fire risk was an acceptable reason for not wearing a mask and was carried out entirely in the public interest.



First published 25 Jan 2022


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Scooby Doo Gang to investigate Downing Street parties



In yet another twist to the Downing Street Parties Saga, it has been confirmed that Sue Gray has enlisted the help of the gang from Hanna Barbera's popular 1960s' cartoon series, Scooby Doo.


In an interview with the BBC, Ms Gray has admitted that she has recruited the high school sleuths to help in what is proving to be a perplexing mystery.


She told the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg, “The gang is ideal for this type of investigation. Fred has been building ghost traps all over the Downing Street garden, Velma has been on her hands and knees, looking for her glasses in a maze of corridors, Daphne has been kidnapped by Old Man Rees Mogg and Shaggy and Scooby have been eating all of the hors d'oeuvres and canapes from an old abandoned snack mine they discovered below the Downing Street cellars.”


Ms Gray continued, “We are quite sure that we will find out who instigated all of these parties."


So far she is remaining tight-lipped, but one of the main suspects is said to be Old Man Corbyn from the old, disused Opposition front benches.




First published 24 Jan 2022


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Zahawi ‘feels foolish’ after failing to notice bags of gold strewn about his house



Conservative Party chairman and all-round good guy Nadhim Zahawi has spoken about his embarrassment over the ‘schoolboy errors’ which led him to pay several million less in tax than was due.


“To be honest, those bags of bullion have been lying around the house for ages”, he told reporters. “I remembered to count the jewels, the diamond mines, the various companies etc, but after a while you just tune out gold. I don’t know why. I suppose it’s just an everyday thing. Bloody hurts when you stub your toe on an ingot, that’s for sure!”


Mean-spirited Labour politicians have called for the former (checks notes) Chancellor of the Exchequer to resign, arguing that he really should have known, to the nearest million, how much he owed in taxes. Supporters of ‘regular guy’ Zahawi have pointed out that funnelling shares to offshore tax havens isn’t illegal unless you get caught.


Mr Zahawi is philosophical about the additional payments to HMRC. "I can just turn up the thermostat on my stables and recoup any losses that way", he explained.





First published 23 Jan 2022


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